


Human-shy

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, M/M, Petstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2013-04-18
Packaged: 2017-11-22 21:58:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/614796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Vriska decides to meddle with the highblooded troll who’s been visiting Feferi, she stumbles upon his estranged matesprit and their vicious wriggler.  A harmless plot quickly escalates into a convoluted circle of confused relationships as she pushes too far into her new adversary’s turf.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Gamzee: be the considerate idiot](https://archiveofourown.org/works/379821) by [Laylah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laylah/pseuds/Laylah). 



“He’s back,” Kanaya said, gazing out the window. Vriska jumped onto the table next to her and looked outside. Sure enough, the violet-blooded troll was climbing up the tree in the front yard.

“What’s his deal?” she asked as he took his perch. “He comes here three times a week to stare at Feferi, and then he disappears without a word. If he likes her so much, why doesn’t he try talking to her like a normal person?”

“Perhaps he’s human-shy,” Kanaya replied. “It would make sense. There’s no other way a troll of his breeding could remain a stray.”

“How do you know he’s a stray?”

“Look at his clothes.”

“Maybe his humans have a shitty fashion sense.”

Kanaya wrinkled her nose. “A human that can afford a violet blood should have more sense than to clothe him in secondhand children’s rags.”

“Humans are stupid,” Vriska said, shrugging.

“Rose isn’t stupid,” Kanaya said. “And, well...I suppose John isn’t, either.”

“Yes he is. You just haven’t known him long enough.”

“Actually, I find that the longer I’m here the less stupid he seems to be. He can be rather clever in his own way.”

“Well, once you’ve been part of the Egbert family as long as I have, you’ll stop doubting the stupidity of humans. Trust me.”

“We’ll see.”

“Anyways, the stupidity of humans aside, what do you think we should do about him?” Vriska asked, cocking her head towards the violet-blooded troll in the tree outside.

“Should we do anything about him?”

“Of course we should! He’s totally encroaching on our turf!”

“Technically, our turf is the house, and he is perfectly within his bounds so long as he stays in the yard.”

“Says you! You never leave the house. I leave the house all the time, and the yard is part of my turf! Besides,” she continued as Kanaya rolled her eyes, “aren’t you curious about Feferi’s mysterious suitor?”

“Frankly, no,” Kanaya replied. “It’s none of our business.”

“Yes, it is! Think of it this way. If this guy actually manages to work up the courage to talk to Feferi, and they form a matespritship, don’t you think there’s a possibility that Rose’s mom will talk John’s dad into letting her keep him? He’s well-bred, and it’s not like anyone in this household dislikes trolls. This place is practically a troll zoo already! So it is our business. We need to find out all we can about this guy so we can take the proper precautions if he happens to suck.”

“You can do as you please,” Kanaya said. “Personally, I don’t think he’s a threat. If he really is human-shy, he will most likely refuse adoption anyways.”

“Fine, be that way,” Vriska said with a huff, jumping off the table. “We both know you’re just afraid to leave the house. We wouldn’t want Miss Prissyclaws to get her pretty clothes dirty, not when her dear Rose made them special with her fancy knitting needles! But whatever, that’s fine. Someone needs to stay here and hold down the fort while I engage in the dangerous reconnaissance work!”

“Yes, of course,” Kanaya replied, smiling as Vriska slipped out of the small troll flap near the bottom of the kitchen door. She stalked along the side of the house, crawling on all fours in a manner more appropriate for a feral troll than a domestic troll of her class and dignity. Keeping her eyes on the violet blood, she took up a post behind the trashcan and waited.

It was about an hour before he finally moved to leave, and Vriska snapped to attention, watching him grip the bark of the tree with unclipped claws as he slipped down ass first. He glanced back towards the upstairs window, which looked into the bedroom John’s dad now shared with Rose’s mom, and Vriska saw Feferi slip out of view. The violet blood frowned and turned to meander down the road, exuding an air of dejection. Vriska snuck out of her hiding spot and followed, keeping a fair distance between her and the violet blood as she trailed him through a series of quaint neighborhoods and into town. He avoided the busier downtown district, sneaking through sketchy alleyways and abandoned car lots and stopping outside a rundown pizza place. Vriska lurked in the shadows, slowly growing bored as he rummaged through the dumpsters, throwing bits of food out onto the pavement. She had hoped for something more interesting from Feferi’s highblooded mystery suitor. Finally, he jumped down and gathered the food he had collected, shoving it into a plastic bag he had extracted from the pockets of his ratty jeans. She sighed and snuck after him as he set off again, thinking about cutting the reconnaissance short and heading home as he led her into older neighborhoods that were rotting away with abuse and neglect. It was becoming clear that Kanaya was right. Despite his good breeding, he was just another homeless stray. Nothing interesting about him at all.

She paused as he slipped through the boards covering the doorway of an abandoned brick building. From the strength of his scent around its perimeter, Vriska knew that this was his territory and he wasn’t keen on visitors. She hesitated; if she chose to ignore his markings and venture onto his turf, she was asking for trouble, but now that the stakes had been raised and an element of danger introduced, she didn’t want to turn tail and head home. That would be the boring thing to do. She had come this far already and had nothing to show for it, so how could she possibly turn back now? Smirking, she slid between the boards and into the entranceway.

The top floor of the building had partially collapsed a long time ago, by the look of the settled debris obscuring most of the hallway. There was a flight of stairs beyond the rubble, but a well-trafficked path in the dust on the floor led her past the stairs to the room at the end of the hallway. The door was cracked opened, and she peaked inside. It looked to be a cluttered old kitchen, full of empty glass jars, pots, and pans, fallen drawers and old recipe books. Beside the door, a set of wide pantry shelves lined the wall, still covered in old wooden crates and cans of questionable foodstuffs. She heard voices inside, and, cautiously, she snuck onto the lowest shelf, thanking the dust for muffling her movements as she picked her way behind the clutter.

“—why the hell they let humans put a collar on them and tell them what to do all the time. It’s undignified! We should be ownin’ humans, not the other way around.”

“But, humans are bigger than trolls, and they’re more dexterous with their thumbs, which are slightly more opposable than ours are.”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“I guess, basically what I mean to say is, humans have more biological advantages over trolls when it comes to a species owning another species than trolls have over humans.”

“Bullshit! Trolls have a million biological advantages over humans. We’re smarter, more sophisticated, and no one can pretend we don’t smell better. The only reason humans think they got anything on us is ‘cause they’re bigger and stronger, and even that’s by a slim fuckin’ margin.”

Vriska stopped when she caught sight of the violet blood, who was sitting in a padded crate beneath a table, his back to her. Across from him, facing Vriska, sat another troll. He was a lowblood by the look of him. Vriska’s eyes widened as she examined his horns, which were by far the biggest pair she’d ever seen. With horns like those, he could probably do some heavy damage, but judging by his posture and demeanor, he wasn't keen on using them.

“Maybe, instead of getting so worked up, you could stop thinking about it,” the lowblood suggested, nibbling on the crust of a discarded pizza.

“How can I stop thinkin’ about it? They’re all over the fuckin’ place! Everywhere you look is humans, humans, humans! You know what I gotta go through every day to get you this food? They look at me like a piece’a fuckin’ meat, Tav, they all wanna own me because they think it’s so damn prestigious to have a violet-blooded troll. I’m like a stupid goddamn dog to them! And do you thank me? No, you just complain the whole damn time.”

“I don’t really complain that much...”

“Like hell you don’t. You shoulda seen your face when I dropped this bag in front’a you. You’d think I was bringing you a pile’a horseshit or somethin’. No respect for all the work I do for you.”

“It’s not because I don’t respect the work you do, or in any way fail to value the things that you do to sustain my existence, but...”

“See, there you go, putting buts on the end’a your sentences. There’s always a fuckin’ but. I guess riskin’ my life and freedom isn’t goddamn enough.”

“No, no, I mean, what I mean to say is, I’m sometimes worried that this food isn’t the most, uh, nutritiously oriented for, um, Posean, especially at this crucial point in his development...”

“Oh, right. The fuckin’ wiggler. I shoulda known that’s what you’d be prattlin’ on about. Where is the little shit?”

“I, uh...hmm. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? Goddamn it, Tavros, you have one job! I’m out there bustin’ my ass for you and that vile grub and you’re here lazin’ the day away not even takin’ care’a the thing like you’re supposed to.”

“He was here just before you came...”

“Are you sure?”

“Oh yes, I’m most definitely sure about the fact that he was somewhere close to me before you came.”

“So, what, he ran away ‘cause I showed up? What the hell, why does he even hate me so much? We have the same blood and everything. I’m more like his ancestor than you are.”

“Uh, well...to begin listing reasons, you’re not very, um, nurturing, and—“

“Shut up, Tav, it was a rhetorical question. If he wants to hide, fine, what’s it matter? He’s not gettin’ any food.”

“No, he should eat, since he didn’t this morning—“

“Why didn’t he eat this morning?”

“I, uh, don’t really know...because he didn’t want to, I guess?”

“Goddamn it, would you quit letting the little fucker walk all over you? Grow a spine, you worthless waste’a mothering instincts.”

“...I’ll go look for him.”

The troll with the big horns, Tavros, hoisted himself onto the edge of the crate. As she watched him lift his leg over the side, Vriska realized that something was wrong with him. His right leg was limp and unresponsive. He leaned against the crate, scanning the room for the wiggler to minimize the energy he would have to exert to retrieve it. Vriska ducked further into the shadows, watching him curiously, as his eyes passed over the shelves. Now that she was looking for it, she noticed that he was peppered with hints of a hard life: besides his apparently problematic leg, there was also a scar that ran along one of his cheeks, and his movements were hesitant and defensive, like those of a beaten animal. He sighed when his visual search for the wiggler failed to bear fruit and looked at the other troll.

“You want me to go look for him, don’t you?” the violet blood said, huffing. “If you can’t go chasin’ after him, you shouldn’t let him wander so far away. Why do I gotta do all the fuckin’ work around this place?”

Vriska shrank as low as she could into the shadows, sneaking backwards to hide more completely behind a half-disintegrated cardboard box as the violet blood started trudging about, grumbling to himself as he looked over and under things. She felt something cool bump against her hand, and she looked down. To her horror, a small, violet wiggler was looking up at her with beady little eyes and an awful little frown. She looked back at the violet blood, who was slowly making his way towards her, and, panicking, she grabbed the wiggler and shoved it roughly down the shelf. It made a small, angry noise, and before she could pull her hand away, it bit her. She swallowed a yelp and withdrew her hand as quickly as she could, just barely in time.

“There you are, you slippery little bastard!” the violet blood said, following the sound of its growl and latching onto it rather aggressively. “No biting,” he commanded as it snarled, dragging its little feet against the wood of the shelf in a vain attempt to escape. Dropping a few curses, the violet blood turned and tossed the squirming wiggler at Tavros.

“Eridan—!“ Tavros yelped, nearly losing his balance in his panicked haste to catch the wiggler. He somehow managed to grab it out of the air without falling over, and he cradled it against his chest, sighing as it began to wail. He threw Eridan a smoldering glare as he set the wailing wiggler into the crate.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Eridan said. “You know he was gonna bite me if I held onto him.”

“I don’t think I would blame him much,” Tavros said, sliding back into the crate. He dipped out of sight, and Eridan rolled his eyes as a melody of shooshes, coos, and purrs rose above the sound of the wiggler’s cries.

“You’re spoilin’ him, Tav,” he said, approaching the crate and leaning over the side. “He’s gotta learn to take it. Can’t have him growin’ soft and comfortable like some sorta pathetic domestic troll.”

“Or, let me guess, like a smelly sludgeblood, particularly one that can’t even do anything...which is to say, like his birthtroll,” Tavros said, reappearing with the wiggler clinging to one of his large bull horns, a piece of pizza hanging from its mouth.

“See, this is why highbloods don’t breed with lowbloods. Lowbloods don’t know how to raise wigglers right.”

“Well, in that case, maybe you shouldn’t breed with lowbloods, if you dislike the manner in which we raise our young so much.”

“I’ll keep that in mind next time I think about helpin’ a lowblooded cripple out for a night,” Eridan said, poking the wiggler’s full cheeks. It snarled and spit pizza onto his hand, and he grimaced.

Tavros smiled. “I think that really you’re just jealous, because it’s obvious that he likes me much better, and you probably wish you could handle him without getting bitten, like the way I do.” 

“I’m not jealous,” Eridan said, but he released a moody sigh that suggested otherwise. After a paused, he commented, “But I gotta say, I coulda done better.”

Tavros glanced at him, examining his face, which was turned away from Vriska so that she couldn’t see his expression. There must have been something melancholy about it, because Tavros offered him a tiny but sympathetic smile and said, “But thanks anyways, I guess, for the pizza and for, uh, everything else.”

There was a pause, and then Eridan sighed. “Yeah, sure, what can I say?” he said. “I guess I’m turnin’ into a fuckin’ philanthropist.” He grabbed the horn that wasn’t serving as a wiggler post and pulled Tavros towards him to press a kiss against his forehead.

“That might not be the best word to use to describe the way you are, but if it makes you feel better...” 

“Shut up,” Eridan said, climbing into the crate and flopping over, disappearing from Vriska’s view. “I’m gonna sleep. I’ve had a rough day, like usual, and if that wiggler wakes me up, I’m gonna chuck it across the room.”

“Threatening your offspring is maybe not the best way to get him to like you.”

“No, you know what? We’re all going to sleep now. No one’s gonna be wakin’ anyone up, ‘cause we’ll all be sleeping.” Eridan reappeared above the edge of the crate. He grabbed the wiggler and tugged, and Tavros winced as it hissed and clawed at his horn before popping off. Eridan dropped it into the crate, and then he grabbed Tavros, pulling him down with him. “See, it’s communal nap time, like the ancestors used to do. C’mere, cuddle with me.”

Vriska heard Tavros sigh again. There was a few seconds of rustling, and then a yelp and a loud snarl, and the wiggler was lobbed over the side of the box.  
“Eridan!” Tavros said, sitting up to retrieve it, but Eridan grabbed him and dragged him back down. There were sounds of a lukewarm struggle and a few sharp exchanges, but slowly the commotion died down from inside the crate.

Vriska waited for a few moments, eyeing the wiggler, who eyed her back. It made a small noise and turned, sneaking away to climb into the empty cabinets under the sink. Deciding that she had waited long enough, she picked her way over the clutter to the door and left. Night had fallen before she arrived home.


	2. Chapter 2

“He’s a douche, Feferi. I wouldn’t bother with him,” Vriska said. She, Feferi, and Kanaya were lounging on the couch while John and Rose played video games. The humans had no idea what sort of important conversation they were having, being human and completely incapable of understanding troll speech, and Vriska had to talk over John, who was jabbering away about movies. She rolled her eyes as he mentioned Matthew McConaughey again, but Rose smiled and responded with veiled sarcasm.

“I knew that,” Feferi laughed. “We’ve talked before.”

“You have?” Vriska and Kanaya both asked.

“Of course! He comes every other day. What did you think we were doing?”

“I...don’t know,” Vriska said, glancing at Kanaya, who shrugged.

“But he never says much about himself,” Feferi continued. “He’s so overdramatic and theatrical about everything! It’s such a chore to get him to talk like a normal person, and he never wants to open up about his feelings.”

“I bet,” Vriska said. “I’ve never seen such a self-centered drama queen. He couldn’t even handle his own wiggler without making a huge scene.”

“I’m still so surprised that he has a wiggler!” Feferi said. “And a matesprit, too. I always thought he was making flushed passes at me.” She laughed.

“I think he was,” Vriska said. Feferi and Kanaya looked at her, and she quirked her eyebrow. Feferi gasped.

“You think he’s trying to cheat?”

“I have a hunch. I still have a lot more meddling to do before I can be sure,” she said.

“Let’s not jump to conclusions,” Kanaya said. “There could be many factors involved that we don’t know about. From what you’ve told us, it sounds as though they have a complicated relationship.”

“No kidding! There was something weird about the whole deal. Like I said, I have a lot more meddling to do. Hey, either of you want to be in cahoots with me to help meddle with this guy?”

“No,” Kanaya said. Feferi laughed.

“Oh, come on, fussyfangs, this is right up your alley! Don’t you want to help that poor lowblood? Don’t you feel sorry for the pathetic cripple who’s stuck taking care of a rabid wiggler while his matesprit’s out making passes at other trolls?”

“If that’s really the nature of their relationship, and you’re not exaggerating, the situation is far beyond any help we could provide,” Kanaya replied. “Exposing an unfaithful matesprit to a troll who can’t provide for himself or his wiggler is cruel.”

“Feferi, what do you have to say?”

“I think it would be exciting!” she said. “But...”

“But?”

“But I wouldn’t want to give him the wrong impression.”

“What impression?”

“The impression that I’m interested!”

“Are you not?”

“Hmm...I’m not sure yet.”

“Here, think about it like this: what better way to become sure than to follow him around and spy on him?”

“Vriska,” Kanaya said, sighing, “there are many better ways.”

“Not that I know of.”

“Just because you aren’t aware of more appropriate methods of courtship doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”

“Wait, I have an idea!” Feferi said. They both looked at her. “Vriska, you and I can work together without both of us becoming stalkers. Or be in cahoots, if that’s what you want to call it. I’ll fish for information whenever he comes over, and while I have him distracted, you can sneak to his place and try to learn some things about this mystery matesprit. We’ll do a multi-angle reconnaissance!”

“I knew I could count on you to be awesome, Peixes!” Vriska said. “Unlike Nanny Fussyfangs, who only meddles when people don’t want her to.”

Kanaya frowned. “I don’t foresee this going well.”

“It’ll be fine, Kanaya!” Feferi assured her. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I don’t know. And that’s why I’m nervous.”

“Stop worrying so much,” Vriska said. “It’ll be fiiiiiiiine. So, Peixes, when are we going to start meddling with these guys?”

“Next time he comes, of course! Once I have his attention, you can sneak away and do your part.”

“Great,” Vriska said, smirking.

It was three days before Eridan reappeared outside the Egbert residence. Vriska had been watching for him, so when she saw him climbing up the tree, she immediately slipped out the troll flap and began the race across town. Instead of circumnavigating the busy town center the way Eridan did, she cut straight through, praising herself for her excellent sense of direction as she arrived at the abandoned building in a quarter of the time it took her when she had been following Eridan. With her detour, she was confident that she would get plenty of time to spy before she would have to worry about Eridan, especially if Feferi kept him well distracted.

She crept along the passageway and paused outside the kitchen door, listening. Someone was shuffling around inside, humming quietly. She frowned. Was the cripple walking? She peaked around the door, glancing around the room before spotting him. He was indeed on his feet, limping around a fallen chair with steady concentration. He didn’t seem to be searching for anything or doing any particular chores. He was just walking around, pausing occasionally to stretch his bum leg.

Cautiously, Vriska moved from the door to the shelves, keeping her eyes on him. He seemed oblivious to anything but the obstacles he was navigating. Settling beneath a shadowy cover of junk, Vriska watched him, wondering if this was what he did with his time. If babysitting wigglers and circling the room in a pathetic attempt to iron out his atrocious limp was all he had to do to occupy himself, she was going to have a hell of a boring time spying on him. Sighing, she made herself comfortable.

A few minutes passed and nothing happened. He kept humming to himself, moving around the debris in the room. Whenever he had managed to climb over a particularly challenging obstacle, he smiled to himself, unashamedly pleased of his triumph. Vriska frowned. What was he honestly hoping to accomplish? He wasn’t going to get any stronger by limping around a couple old boxes and patting himself on the back like he had actually done anything worthwhile. Did he think could fix himself through willpower and hope alone, like if he believed hard enough in his imaginary ability to walk, it would make him slightly less crippled? It wouldn’t. He wasn’t actually doing any work. If he wanted to get any better, he needed to challenge himself. She found herself growing more and more frustrated with him as she watched him perform his movements slowly and poorly. He was being boring, but worse than that, he was being boring in the most inept way possible. She scowled, releasing a low growl.

He immediately stopped and looked around. “Posean?” he asked, scanning the shelves. Vriska shrunk down, scolding herself for her lapse of judgment. He sank to all fours, distributing his weight to the stronger limbs, and Vriska cursed mentally. Of course he wouldn’t be completely helpless with one bum leg. More helpless, but not completely helpless. He still limped as he approached the shelves, but he was able to move with more dexterity. “Posean?” he called again, a little louder. When there was still no response, he began to purr low in his throat, and Vriska’s heart did a strange acrobatic pirouette in her chest. It was a soothing, disarming noise, the kind birthtrolls hummed to their wigglers to put them to sleep, and she hadn’t heard anything like it since she was taken from her own birthtroll. Against her better judgment and despite the threat of impending discovery, she began to let her guard down.

Vriska and Tavros both jumped when a pan fell from a cabinet with a loud clatter. Tavros whipped around, hackles raised, but he relaxed as Posean appeared and began picking a path to the floor. Vriska relaxed as well, breathing a silent sigh. For a moment, she thought Tavros had seen her jump. It would’ve sucked to have her cover blown so early in the game. But then, to her dismay, Tavros said, “Stay there, Posean. No, stay up there, it’s not safe.” He turned back to the shelves, tense again, and his eyes were trained on her hiding spot.

Vriska knew it was pointless to keep hiding, even if he hadn’t pinpointed her exact location yet, so she scowled and emerged from the shadows. Tavros immediately went on the defensive, raising his hackles and recoiling with a deep growl, baring his teeth. She eyed him. “Hey,” she said. “The name’s Vriska. You’re Tavros, right?”

Still on all fours, he sank low, glaring at her. “What do you want, and how do you know my name?” he demanded. She felt a twinge of apprehension, doubting her assumption that he wasn't keen on using his huge pair of horns, but she resisted the impulse to respond aggressively. Everything about him, from his eyes to his tight stance, was betraying his terror, and she knew that it would only aggravate him to adopt any sort of confrontational posture. So she tried to look casual, standing upright like a dignified troll, keeping her face bored and inexpressive.

“I was just checking the place out. You know, doing a bit of exploring,” she replied.

“You, uh—you’re lying. You must be, because the markings—don’t pretend you didn’t notice them,” he said, trying to sound menacing but stumbling over his words. Vriska smirked. His display of power was formidable, but it was just a display. And her attitude was throwing him off.

“Yeah, I noticed them, but what’s the harm in looking around a bit? I’m not hurting anyone, am I? And I’m not breaking anything either, not that you would care much, judging by the state of this place.”

“Well, that’s, uh—I don’t know what to believe about that, but, uh, you should leave now, because you’re on our, uh, I mean, my turf, and I’m definitely not okay with that at all, so unless you want to fight—and I should, uh, warn you that I’m a very formidable opponent, truly the most formidable you will ever, uh, have the misfortune to do battle with, or to engage with in any sort of, uhh—you need to leave,” he finished, desperation evident in his voice.

“What’s the rush?” she asked, moving to sit. He shrunk down and took a step back, hissing, and she paused a second before sinking the rest of the way to the floor. Making herself comfortable, she said, “I don’t think you actually want to ‘do battle’ with me. I hate to say it, but you’re kind of at a disadvantage.” She gestured to his bum leg, and he took another nervous half-step back.

“It would most assuredly be a huge mistake for you to, uh, underestimate me because of my physical handicap, which, um, by the way, isn’t so much a handicap as a small, uh, annoyance, to me, but the important thing that you should know is that I engaged in, uh, the noble art of troll fighting for a very long time, with very high levels of success, extremely high levels like you wouldn’t believe, and so it would definitely be best if you didn’t provoke me, as I’m, uh, extremely well acquainted with fighting and, uh, being generally aggressive.”

Vriska suppressed a laugh. “You expect me to believe that bullshit?”

“It’s not bullshit! I’m truly being 100% honest with you about my amazing success as a troll fighter, and about my remarkable formidability as an opponent, which should make you want to leave and not, uh, sit, like you are...”

“Well, here I am, and I don’t really feel like leaving,” Vriska said, suppressing another laugh as she gestured to emphasize her comfortable sitting position. “Maybe you should calm the hell down and join me. We can talk.”

“Uh, no, I don’t really think—no,” he said, but Vriska noticed with a smile that he was beginning to relax. At least, he wasn’t crouching so low to the floor.

“So, Tavros, right? Tavros what?” she asked.

“If you don’t get out, my, uh, matesprit will be coming back and he’ll make you get out, so...”

“Your matesprit? Are you talking about Eridan? So you are matesprits, then.”

“You, uh...you know Eridan?” he asked, deflating. Vriska smirked.

“Actually, that’s why I came. I want to ask you some questions about him. That is, if you can put all your manly troll fighting aggression on hold long enough to have a real conversation,” she said, laughing openly this time. He eyed her, still tense but no longer terrified. After a few seconds, he limped backwards, putting a good stretch of distance between them, and sat on the floor.

“Why, uh...why do you have questions about Eridan? And how do you know him? And, I guess, how do you know me?”

“None of that is important,” Vriska said, waving the question away. “If it makes you feel better, we can start over and have a real introduction. Hi, my name is Vriska Sekret, nice to meet you.”

He examined her before saying, “I’m Tavros. Nitram.”

“Great. Glad that’s out of the way.” She waited for him to say something, but when he didn’t, she continued. “Soooooooo...matesprits, huh? You and Eridan.”

“Oh yes, we’re very flushed, in a way that is most definitely fated, so that if, uh, one of us were to be threatened, the other would surely be very concerned and, uh, vengeful.”

Vriska sighed and rolled her eyes. “I get it! I’m not going to attack you, harm you, or do anything else to threaten you or your nasty little wiggler.” He looked horrified, and she realized that he was hoping she didn’t know about the wiggler. “I just said I wouldn’t do anything to it, okay? God, you’re so skittish. What’s your deal anyways?”

“I don’t understand how that’s any of your business,” he said, growing tense again. Mentioning the wiggler had set her back a couple paces, and she sighed.

“Okay, look, it’s like this. Your ‘fated’ matesprit has been sneaking onto my turf to make flushed passes at one of my friends. I was going to break it to you a little more gently, but since you seem to like making things difficult for yourself, there it is.”

His eyes widened, and he slackened. “Oh,” he said after a few seconds.

She frowned at his expression. This wasn’t at all how she had expected her reconnaissance mission to go. “I didn’t come here to be a homewrecker, okay?” she said. “I was just going to meddle in the guy’s business a bit to do a background check for my friend. Imagine my surprise when my meddling uncovered a matesprit and a wiggler! I was going to do a double check before deciding whether to sabotage the guy, and that’s it. It was going to be nice, clean, and harmless. But then you had to freak out on me, cornering me into telling you something that you probably wouldn’t have needed to know if everything had worked out according to plan. Nice going, jumpy.”

She eyed Tavros, who stared at the floor for a few seconds before sighing. “Well...” he said. “I guess it could be worse.”

“That’s...surprisingly optimistic of you,” Vriska said. She had expected him to break down and start crying, but he simply looked defeated.

He grimaced. “I was lying a little bit, about me and Eridan being matesprits. That is, of the intimate fated variety,” he said.

“So, what, you’re not matesprits?”

“We...are, I guess,” he said. “But it’s sort of just an accident that we’re trapped in a relationship of that, um, quadrant.”

“’Trapped’?” she repeated. “So, what, you don’t want to be matesprits?”

“Well...no, basically.”

“So then why are you?” she asked. “Who’s ever heard of matesprits who don’t want to be matesprits?”

“I can understand your confusion, as the issue we’re talking about is a confusing one that I, um...don’t entirely understand either, to be honest,” he admitted. “Eridan and I have a mutually beneficial relationship, of the nature that would normally put it in the flushed quadrant, so in that way, we’re matesprits, but, uh...I think he’s an ass, more or less, and he kind of considers me a waste of space, or at best, an inconvenience, so in that way, we’re not. At all.”

“I’m missing something,” Vriska said after a few seconds. “Why are you matesprits with a guy you think is an ass? Are you sure you’re not kismesisses?”

“No, I don’t know, I think we talked about that once,” Tavros said. “He thinks I would be a poor kismesis, and he would rather leave that quadrant open for someone more, uh, capable of offering him a real rivalry, who isn’t crippled and incapable of black passes...”

Vriska examined him, becoming irritated. What was she supposed to tell Feferi? That Eridan is already in a matespritship, except that it’s a shitty one, so it doesn’t count? She scowled. “So, just to get shit straight,” she said, “it’s still a bad thing that Eridan is sneaking away to hit on another troll, right?”

Slowly, Tavros nodded. “Yes, I think that it probably qualifies as a bad thing. Because, well...I can take care of myself, even though it’s definitely harder when there’s not a troll with full use of all their limbs to help me, but I can’t really take care of Posean without help, being barely capable of feeding and protecting myself...”

“So it’s about the wiggler,” Vriska said, beginning to piece together the details.

“Uh, yeah, it’s mostly for him that we’re at all associated with each other,” Tavros said, nodding. “Because he’s a violet blood, like Eridan, which is unusual, since I’m the birthtroll. If he were a bronze blood, like the way I am, I’m certain Eridan would have kicked me out a long time ago, but as it is, Eridan is interested in the upbringing of his offspring, it being a rarer highblood, but he’s completely incompetent as a parent, so he has to keep me around to, uh, pacify his wiggler, so to speak.”

“So what I’ve gathered from all this is that you two were casually dating, accidently had a wiggler, and now you’re basically stuck together.”

“Um, no, that’s not really right at all, but the last part is close.”

“Great. At least I almost got the last part right,” Vriska said. “Why don’t you fill me in on all the juicy details? I’m on the edge of my seat over here, you have noooooooo idea.”

“Well, um, actually, it might be best if you leave soon, because it’s starting to get to the time of day when Eridan comes back, and I don’t think he’d be very happy to see you,” Tavros said, glancing at the window. He looked back at Vriska, adding, “But, uh, I think there are reasons for us to continue corresponding, or, uh...I at least feel like I have reasons to want to continue this discussion, if you don’t, so I think it would be good if, uh—what I mean to say is, you’re welcome to come back tomorrow, or maybe at some later date, if you’d like.”

Vriska considered the proposal. “Yeah, okay. Next time I see Eridan sneaking into our yard, I’ll come pay you a visit. It’ll be our own secret affair, a way to get even with your unfaithful asswipe of a matesprit.” She winked at him, and a bright bronze blush flared across his cheeks.

“That’s, uh, not at all what I was proposing,” he stammered, “and I, uh, I’m sorry for giving you the, uh, wrong impression, but I don’t think...”

“Relaaaaaaaax, I was joking,” Vriska interrupted. “You’ll have to try a lot harder than that to get into any of my quadrants. I’m a big deal, just so you know. And, no offense, you’re kind of a huge wimp. I don’t think you stand much of a chance.”

His face fell. “That was...not very nice of you.”

She laughed. “Well, Tavros, if we’re going to spend so much time talking about you, I think it’s only fair that we talk about me a bit, too, and the first thing you should know is that I’m not nice. At least, not when it strangulates the critical development of people who would do better with a little tough love. Judging from what I’ve seen so far, you’re one of those people. In fact,” she continued, ignoring Tavros’s nervous reaction as she stood, “after watching you stumble around like a pathetic weakling, I think you could use a person like me in your life. I can help you! It might be a bit much to hope for a perfect recovery, but I can at least get you walking better than whatever it was you were doing earlier.”

She looked at him, expecting a reply, and he stared back, gaping at her with confusion and dismay. “I, uh—that, um, theoretically sounds like a nice thing you’re offering to do for me, but, uh...I sort of have a few reservations...I’m not sure tough love is, uh, something I need...”

“Don’t worry about it,” Vriska replied. “It’ll be good for you.”

“I, uh, I...wouldn’t want to inconvenience you...”

“Well, you already are by asking me to help you out with your matesprit problem, so I might as well go all the way and help you with everything else. So shut up about it. It’ll be my gift to you.”

“Um...gift? I’m not sure...”

“Don’t worry about it!” Vriska interrupted. “Anyways, it’s been fun, but I think I should be going. I’ll see you soon, Tavros.” Without giving him time to react, she turned and left.


	3. Chapter 3

“He doesn’t seem to possess a good sense of judgment,” Kanaya said, frowning. “I suppose I understand the reasoning behind their...one-night stand, but that hardly made it a good idea.”

“He’s an idiot,” Vriska agreed.

“At least it was nice of him to offer Tavros shelter,” Feferi said.

“Yeah, in return for sexual favors,” Vriska sneered. “Really nice. The nicest.”

“You said they fell into a sexual relationship due to the circumstances,” Kanaya said.

“Yeah, well, they're both idiots. If Tavros weren't so damn gullible, maybe it wouldn't have happened. He’s so gullible! And when you combine gullible with piss-poor self-esteem, apparently what you get is a cripple who will run into the open arms of any troll with secured territory the second it starts to rain.”

“In his defense, that storm was the worst we’ve had in years,” Kanaya said. “Don’t you remember? The power went out for three days.”

“Yeah, I remember,” Vriska said. “But that doesn’t make it okay. He could have found his own shelter! Seriously, is there a worse reason to form a matespritship? I doubt it.”

“It’s too bad,” Kanaya agreed. “Especially about the wiggler. I’m sure if we were in their situation, we would react poorly as well.”

“You know what, Peixes?” Vriska said, turning to Feferi. “I think you should date Eridan. Maybe you can save those two losers from their completely dysfunctional matespritship.”

“I don’t know,” she said. “I haven’t felt anything flushed for him. I could maybe be a little pale...”

“I don’t think pale is what he’s going for."

“No, I know. But I just don’t think it would work out between us. He doesn’t like humans at all! He keeps going on and on about the superiority of trolls. He would never be okay with staying here with me, and I’m not willing to leave Roxy to go rummaging through garbage.”

“Yes, that would be problematic,” Kanaya agreed as Vriska groaned. 

“We have to work something out,” Vriska insisted.

“We do?” Kanaya asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah, of course we do! I promised I would help Tavros, and it’s pretty obvious he’s too weak and stupid to work it out for himself. We have to finish what we started.” 

Feferi smiled. “It sounds like this problem isn’t about me and Eridan anymore,” she said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You have a flushcrush! Am I right?” Feferi asked.

“What?” Vriska said, blushing slightly. “Why the hell would you even think that? I’m just trying to help the worst troll in existence grow a backbone, that’s all.”

“Sure you are,” Feferi said with a laugh. “That must be why you sit by the window all day, waiting for Eridan so that you can race over there to see him! And haven’t you been bringing him food?”

“He eats garbage! How is it weird that I’m bringing him food?” she said. “He gives most of it to the wiggler anyways.”

“I’ll have to admit, it is rather suspicious behavior, coming from you,” Kanaya commented.

“What’s that mean, ‘coming from me’? Look, okay, the guy’s pathetic. It would be a crime for me to ignore him when clearly what he needs is a hard shove in the right direction. So what if I bring him food every now and then?”

“And wear your nicest clothes, and groom your hair more carefully, and hum songs you never knew before...” Feferi continued for her.

Vriska growled. “I get it, okay?” she said. “Maybe...he’s kind of cute.”

“Is he?” Feferi asked, leaning forward with interest. “How cute?”

“You know, just...cute. His gullibility is sort of adorable sometimes, when it isn’t fucking annoying, and, well...he’s got the biggest rack you will ever see in your life.”

“Really?” Feferi said, gasping, and Kanaya blushed slightly, making a small noise of disapproval.

“Yeah, really. And he’s just got this way with the wiggler. It’s almost stupid how maternal he is! He tells it these silly little fairytales when he doesn’t know I’m there—“

“When he doesn’t know you’re there?” Kanaya repeated, raising an eyebrow.

“Sometimes I don’t announce my presence the second I walk in, god!” Vriska said. “What’s with the cross-examination, anyways? Do I have to lay my heart on the table every time I want to help a guy out? Give me a break!”

“Okay, okay!” Feferi said, laughing. “We’ll stop bothering you about it. And I guess we can help you break up their dysfunctional matespritship...for Tavros’s benefit, of course.” She winked and laughed again at Vriska’s scowl.

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable actively breaking up a matespritship, dysfunctional or not,” Kanaya said. “Especially when a wiggler is involved. What do you plan on doing with it? Are you going to adopt it? Eridan is clearly incapable of taking care of it himself.”

“Let’s stop treating this like I’m some sort of shameless homewrecker,” Vriska said. “The wiggler will be taken care of. Don’t worry about it! I’ll make sure he’s factored into the plan.”

“What plan?”

“The plan that I haven’t made yet. I’ve got a lot of iron in the fires right now, and it’s hard work keeping track of all of them! Cut me some slack, I’ll figure it out.”

“If you say so,” Kanaya said, sighing.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got everything under control.”


	4. Chapter 4

“You need to work out more often,” Vriska said, watching Tavros stretch his bum leg. “You’ll never get stronger if you just sit around all day.”

“I still don’t quite understand how any of this will make my leg stronger,” Tavros said, “since, technically, you can’t reverse the kind of nerve and muscle damage that has rendered it unusable, so—“

“I knoooooooow, Tavros. You say that every day,” Vriska said. “We’re not trying to fix your leg, remember? We’re trying to fix everything else.”

“But, uh...everything else that sustained damage has recovered mostly, at least to the point of being functional, and nothing else is actually broken, so how—“

“Everything about you is broken, Tavros. Maybe not literally, the way your leg is broken, but you definitely need some work. Look at it this way: if one part of you is weak and useless, the rest of you needs to be strong to make up for it. Right? But you’re not strong. One part of you is weak and useless, and the rest of you is also weak and useless. That’s what we’re trying to fix.”

“That, uh...I guess, if you ignore all the, uh, not so nice stuff about it, that sounds logical enough,” Tavros said. “But, uh...”

“Whaaaaaaaat?”

“...Nothing.”

Vriska groaned, eyeing Tavros as he tested the range of motion of his leg, which he did often, as though he was hoping to have gained extra motor control overnight. He grimaced as he pushed past the edge of comfort, causing a shock of pain to run up his thigh. Sighing, he sat, letting it rest for a bit.

“...How did you hurt your leg?” Vriska asked after a few seconds.

“I think I’ve probably told you about seven times now how it happened.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, just tell me again.”

“It was a particularly challenging and, in my opinion, unfair troll fight, in which I was matched against a troll that was inappropriately strong for the kind of arena we were fighting in.”

“Oh, right. Troll fighting,” Vriska said, snorting. “I don’t know why you still bother keeping up that charade. You know I’m not going to hurt you, so you can stop trying to intimidate me already.”

Tavros frowned. “It’s a little insulting that you refuse to believe me about my dark and troubled troll fighting past.”

“Oh, come on, Tavros, why should I believe it? Look at you! You can hardly walk.”

“Because of wounds obtained in troll fighting, remember?”

“Besides that, you’re waaaaaaaay too soft to survive any hardcore underground fighting rings. From what I’ve heard, they’re brutal! You wouldn’t last a second.”

“Oh yes, they are truly brutal, most definitely the kind of operation no one wants to be involved with, which is why most trolls involved, myself included, weren’t there by any choice of their own, and also why, after my leg was hurt, me and my...”

He suddenly stopped talking and bit his lip, looking away. Vriska raised an eyebrow, her interest piqued. “You and your...?”

“Uh, no, I, uh, I think we should stop talking about my, uh, terrible past,” he said, struggling to his feet. “It’s, uh...it’s not good for wigglers to hear about that sort of thing anyways, and I don’t want to jeopardize Posean’s wholesome upbringing with, uh, violent and sad stories.”

“You’re worried about jeopardizing his upbringing with stories when you’re raising him on the streets?” Vriska asked.

“How does this at all qualify as being on the streets?” Tavros said, gesturing around him.

“Come on, Tavros, this is an abandoned building. It’s basically the same thing.”

“Uh, no, it’s definitely not at all the same thing, because here we have protection from the elements, and, uh, a bed—“

“Your bed is a box. And you eat garbage. You’re living on the streets.”

“Well, then, in your opinion, what sort of place would qualify as being off the streets?”

“Being in a house, obviously.”

“Oh, so, you mean I should let humans take Posean, because that would be the only thing that would guarantee him a truly wholesome upbringing?” Tavros asked, becoming standoffish. “Is that what you mean?”

“At least he would get fed properly.”

Tavros glared at her for a moment, looking as though he had something he wanted to say, but deciding against it, he turned and limped to the crate that served as their bed. She watched him, bewildered, as he hoisted himself inside without so much as a glance back. She heard him murmuring to Posean, whom he had woken from a nap, and then he fell silent.

A couple of quiet seconds passed, and Vriska stayed where she was, staring at the box, wondering what the hell had happened. She had clearly offended him, but she hadn’t said anything untrue. Life would obviously be better for the wiggler if he had a warm, decent home to live in instead of an old, dusty kitchen full of perils like falling ceilings and uncovered knives. Becoming irritated, she got up and walked over to the crate, leaning over the side and glaring down at Tavros. To her mild astonishment, he glared back, stroking Posean’s black hair.

“What gives?”

After a brief pause, Tavros responded, “You probably think that Posean has a really terrible life because he doesn’t live in a good home with good humans taking good care of him, like the way you live, but, uh, I know something that you don’t, because my life has been a lot harder than yours has.”

Vriska raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? What’s that? Please, teach me, wise one, I’m dying to know.”

“Not all humans are good humans,” he said. “And there are a lot of reasons to not want to be a pet, like what you are.”

“Oh god,” Vriska groaned, “are you anti-human, too? Maybe you and Eridan are fated for each other.”

“No, that’s not the way it is,” Tavros said, sitting up and coaxing Posean into his lap. “He’s just stupidly proud, and so he thinks that he’s better than humans, which is foolish in a lot of ways that I don’t agree with. But the reason I don’t trust humans is way more valid and personal, and it has to do with the things I was talking about earlier, which give me the sort of experiences to fuel a real vendetta that has actual emotional substance, unlike Eridan, who’s just an idiot.”

“What things?”

“The things about my leg and troll fighting.”

Vriska rolled her eyes. “That again? I thought you were done talking about that!”

“I was done, but now I’m talking about it again. And, uh...I thought you wanted me to talk about it anyways, so I don’t understand why you’re complaining.”

“Oh, well then, please go on,” Vriska said, leaning forward in mock interest.

“I don’t think I want to talk about it anymore,” Tavros said.

“Ugh, Taaaaaaaavros!” Vriska groaned. “Why are you being such a little bitch right now?”

“Because you insulted me, and I guess, also insulted my capacity for caring for my wiggler, as well as several of my deeply rooted fears and concerns that are embedded in my difficult past experiences, and, um, well, I’m basically pretty mad at you right now, is why.”

Vriska growled, and then she snapped, “Fine. I apologize, okay? Now are you going to tell me what all this dramatic bullshit is about, or are you just going to sit there and pout like a stupid human child?”

He frowned, but after considering her proposal, he scooted over, making room for her in the crate. “I guess...maybe we can talk about it, if you want to know so much.”

She stared down at him. “You want me to sit in the box?”

“Um...yes? Is that weird?”

“You share this box with Eridan, your matesprit. How is it not weird?”

He shrugged. “I don’t attach much emotional importance to the things I share with Eridan.”

She hesitated for a second longer, and then she grimaced and crawled in, sitting across from him and trying to make herself comfortable. It was well-padded and actually rather nice, but it smelled like Eridan and Tavros and it was making her uneasy. Tavros didn’t seem to share her discomfort, but she could swear the wiggler was glaring at her with its beady eyes, challenging her right to enter into this sacred familial space. “I’m in the box,” she announced, almost as a response to its challenge. 

“I guess we can commence with our feelings jam, then,” Tavros responded.

“Our what?”

“Our, uh...our feelings jam, like...is that a thing you’re familiar with, or...?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she said.

“Well, basically, feeling jams are these things I used to do with my, uh...my old matesprit, when we had hard things to talk about, which was often, because, uh...well, things were hard.”

“Your old matesprit?”

“Um, yes, my, uh, first matesprit, who is now, uh, at a location that is unknown to me, probably somewhere on the East Coast, I think...”

“What the hell, Tavros!” Vriska exploded, staring at him in shock. “How have you never mentioned this before?”

He shrugged. “I, uh, don’t like to talk about it, I guess, because it makes me sad.” He looked at her, waiting for her to say something. Regaining her composure, she frowned.

“Well, are you going to tell me about this guy?” she asked. “You sure do look like you want to.”

“Do I?” 

“Yes.”

“Well...I guess, maybe I do...I’ve never mentioned him to Eridan, because that would just cause a lot of stupid problems unnecessarily, and he would probably be very dramatic about it, but, uh...well, this matesprit, my first one, he was a lot better than Eridan, by miles and miles, and I was really flushed for him. He had some strict skills at troll fighting, and that was always hard to deal with, for me especially, because I really wasn’t so good at fighting, but I was always getting thrown into bad fights because of my, uh, unusually intimidating horns, which made a lot of trolls nervous and, uh, sometimes tricked humans into betting on me when they probably shouldn’t have. So I would get pretty much destroyed, and it would make Gamzee really angry, and then he’d do some truly terrible things to the troll in the next fight. It was, uh, mostly horrifying, and sometimes it upset me, but that was sort of the way he was, so I learned to accept it as a thing that I couldn’t change. But then, when my leg got mutilated, he went too far, and it...” He trailed off and exhaled heavily, looking down at the wiggler that had fallen asleep in his lap. “Well, he got me out,” he finally said, shrugging. “But, uh...I think he might have gotten hurt, I don’t know...I got to talk to him from a safe place a few times, but then, I guess because of his awesome skills, and maybe also because he killed one of the humans, they took him away, and I haven’t seen him again since.”

Vriska examined his expression, which was betraying signs of forced composure, and she tried to think of something appropriate to say. Finding herself at a loss for comforting words, she sighed and shifted to the other side of the crate to sit next to him, and after a second of hesitation, she snaked her arm around his shoulders and gave him an awkward half-hug. He glanced at her, and in a brief second of compromised judgment, she said, “...Them’s the breaks.” Wincing internally, she added, “I guess.”

She was relieved when he smiled, murmuring, “Uh, thanks, I think.”

“Is that why you’re so cagey about your relationship with Eridan?”

He grimaced. “It’s, uh, hard, to have a matesprit like Eridan after being in a, you know, legitimately rewarding matespritship. And, uh, well...it’s also hard because he’s probably still alive, somewhere, and even though I’ll probably never see him again ever, it’s just something I think about sometimes that makes me feel guilty.”

Vriska felt a pang of uncertainty, suddenly feeling self-conscious about the arm she had slung around his shoulders. It was one thing to impede on Eridan’s territory, when Tavros didn’t seem to care all that much for him. She could keep pretending that she was saving Tavros from an unfulfilling matespritship. But now there was another unknown troll out there who had a real claim on Tavros’s affections, and Tavros had actual flushed feelings for him that weren’t a result of accidental procreation. That made two homes she was wrecking, one physical and the other emotional. She frowned. It really wasn’t fair of him to go around being pathetic like he was with two matesprits in the mix. He was practically begging to be pitied, and he clearly didn’t need it. It was like he was baiting trolls into his red quadrants. What a tease! Why didn’t he fill up some of his other quadrants for a change? Why couldn’t he and Eridan be black?

“Why are you mad?” he asked her, and she started. He was examining her face, and she realized her frown had evolved into a full-blown scowl.

“I’m not,” she said. “I was just thinking about something that doesn’t concern you.”

“Oh...okay.”

“So is this why you hate humans?” she asked, changing the subject.

“I don’t hate them—at least, not in the way Eridan does—but I don’t trust them at all,” he said, “Because, uh...when a bunch of humans keep you in cages, and make you fight battles that you don’t want to fight, and then steal away your matesprit, leaving you alone and the worst kind of helpless in a cruel and unforgiving world, it, uh...it definitely makes you feel bitter, and creates the sort of psychological difficulties that make trust a thing that is hard to do.”

“Tavros,” Vriska said, sighing, “thinking of all humans like the assholes involved in illegal troll fighting rings is the sort of generalization morons and cowards make. Obviously you’re going to have some difficulties trusting humans, and I can appreciate that, but you’re going to have to get over it someday.”

“I am?”

“Yes! You’ll never recover from your traumatized past if you keep avoiding the issue. You need to repair your broken trust!”

“...I do?”

“Yes. There are good humans out there. And they can help you! You wouldn’t need Eridan if you found a good human to provide you with shelter, food, and protection. In fact, I have a really awesome human family that would probably love you.”

Tavros squirmed beneath her arm, pulling away as he murmured some uncomfortable objections to her implications, but she held him in place, gently but firmly turning his head to look at her. She stared at him, and he looked back at her, biting his lip. Vriska felt her heart skip.

“Tavros,” she said, feeling instinctively that she had found the moment she was waiting for.

“Uh...yes?”

“Do you want to be with Eridan?”

His eyes widened, and a faint blush spread across his cheeks. “Why, uh...why are you asking?”

“Answer the question.”

“I, uh, I don’t know, which, by that, I mean to say that, uh, that question is too simplistic, because, uh, there are a lot of other things that factor into that, uh, sort of decision, to be or not be with someone, many factors that are mostly out of my power to—“ Succumbing to her impatience, Vriska roughly pressed her lips to his, cutting him off with a kiss. He stiffened, and then, to her relief, he slowly relaxed, hesitantly allowing his lips to soften. He didn’t reciprocate the way she wished he would, but he didn’t pull away either. Her heart pounding, she broke the kiss, looking him in the eyes to search for the response she wanted. He seemed confused and nervous, but the blush was still on his cheeks and there was fervent glint in his eyes. She took that as a sign of reciprocation and smirked.

“I can help you with some of those factors, if you’re willing,” she said, and his blushed deepened.

“I, uh—“

“What the fuckin’ hell is happenin’ here?”

Tavros and Vriska both jumped and turned towards the door, where Eridan was standing, a look of livid disbelief slapped onto his face.


	5. Chapter 5

“Eridan! Uh...hey,” Tavros said, quickly slipping out from beneath Vriska’s arm and accidently waking Posean, who jumped off his lap, protesting loudly. The wiggler scrambled over the side of the crate and made for one of his many hiding places, and Tavros groaned, knowing he would have to look for him later.

“I thought I’ve been smellin’ something strange around here lately,” Eridan said, glaring at Vriska as he strode across the room, stopping just outside the crate. For a second, it looked as though he was preparing to clamber in and confront her, but he chose to wait outside, tense and offensive. “But I wasn’t expectin’ it to be you invitin’ blueblooded trespassers in, Tav. What the hell is this?” He gestured at the two of them.

“We were, uh, talking, about...things,” Tavros answered, fidgeting beneath Eridan glare.

“Oh, you were talkin’, were you? Just talkin’? Is that what you were doin’?” Eridan asked. “Somethin’ tells me, Tav, that talkin’ wasn’t what you were doin’.”

“We were probably doing the same thing you were doing,” Vriska said, vaulting over the side of the crate. He bristled, taking a step back and growling. “So what were you doing, Eridan?”

“Who the hell are you supposed’a be?” he demanded.

“The name’s Vriska Sekret. Maybe you’ve heard it before? I’d be insulted if Feferi’s never mentioned me to you,” she sneered, circling him. He froze, eyes narrowing.

“You’re one’a the other housetrolls,” he said.

“That’s right!” Vriska replied. “And you’re probably wondering what I’m doing here, talking to your neglected matesprit! If I were you, I’d be getting pretty nervous right now.”

“If a fight’s what you’re lookin’ for, I’d be more’n happy to oblige,” Eridan said, glancing at Tavros.

“Oh, no, I wouldn’t think of fighting Feferi’s _illicit lover_ ,” Vriska sneered.

“Shut up!” Eridan said, making a show of lunging at her. She side-stepped him, falling into a more defensive stance.

“Uh, Eridan, I think you should settle down, and we should probably talk, instead of fighting, which isn’t going to help anyone in this already tense situation,” Tavros suggested. Eridan rounded on him.

“How could you do this to me, Tav?” he demanded, pointing at Vriska. “After all the things I’ve done for you and that stupid wiggler, workin’ day and night and riskin’ everything for you— _everything_ , Tav—how could you betray me like this? And with a stinkin’ housetroll! You tryin’ to break my heart?”

Tavros opened his mouth and tried to come up with a defense for himself, but having no alibi, he just sighed. “I’m sorry, Eridan,” he said. “I, uh...this wasn’t anything I had intended to happen.”

“No, hey, don’t apologize to him!” Vriska said, shoving Eridan out of the way. “He started it! He’s been sneaking out to flirt with Feferi for at least a month now! That’s why I came in the first place, remember?”

“Don’t listen to her, Tav, she—“

“Bullshit! Whatever you’re about to say is bullshit, and everyone here knows it!”

“You got no proof!” 

“The only reason Tavros knows me is because I followed you here after one of _your_ courtship outings. I’ve been helping him recover from the devastating discovery of your infidelity, and he doesn’t have to apologize for shit!”

“Helpin’ him recover, huh? Is that what you’re gonna call it? So the instant you suspect somethin’s wrong, you start throwin’ yourself on other trolls, is that it?” Eridan asked, directing the last question at Tavros. “I shoulda known you’d be so flighty, what with the way we got into this mess with each other in the first place. I shoulda seen this comin’ from miles away! You never cared a damn for me anyways, no matter how hard I tried for you. Is this the way we’re gonna end, Tav? Is this really the way you want it to go?”

“Oh, shut up!” Vriska snapped, saving Tavros from the need to reply. “You really are a drama queen! Look, you clearly don’t want to be with Tavros either, so we were scheming of ways to get all this to work out in everyone’s favor.”

“We were...?” Tavros asked.

“Yes, Tavros, that’s exactly what we were doing just before Eridan showed up.”

“Was this before or after the sloppy makeout?” Eridan sneered.

“Before, obviously, since afterwards you decided to butt in with all this obnoxious stupidity,” Vriska sneered back. “Now, are you going to calm down long enough to listen to our brilliant plan, or are you going to bitch and moan for the rest of the night, feeling sorry for yourself?”

“I’m thinkin’ I might just leave!” Eridan said. “Have a good life with your soft human-bred troll girlfriend, Tav, I hope you fuckin’ enjoy captivity. But I’m takin’ the wiggler. Where’d the hell he crawl off to?”

Tavros made a strangled cry of protest and scrambled across the crate, grabbing onto Eridan before he could begin his search for Posean. “Wait, Eridan, no,” he pleaded, holding onto him as he tried to wrench his arm away. “Eridan, please, don’t! Talk with us, Eridan, we’ll work something out...”

“Oh, so as soon as the wiggler becomes an issue, you’re all about workin’ things out,” Eridan sneered. “You’re the most selfish sack’a shit I’ve ever had the misfortune of dealin’ with, you know that?”

“Don’t kid yourself,” Vriska said, grabbing Eridan by the shirt and shoving him into the crate with one swift motion. “If anyone here’s a selfish sack of shit, it’s you, bulgebite.”

“You stinkin’ human-lovin’ matesprit-stealin’ bitch!” Eridan screeched, sitting up and preparing to lunge at Vriska, but Tavros grabbed onto him, stammering pacifying phrases into his ear. Eridan struggled against him, spitting threats and curses. Vriska snarled and prepared to jump on him as he started to scratch up Tavros’s arm, but before she could scramble over the side of the box, Tavros curled his other arm around Eridan’s face, covering his eyes, and began to purr. Eridan struggled for a few more seconds, but despite himself, he gradually began to settle down, and his hisses diminished into lukewarm growls. Vriska watched him, still tense, as he slackened against Tavros’s body, and she exchanged glances with Tavros before he let his arm slide off Eridan’s face. Eridan glared at her, but he didn’t move to attack.

“Ready to talk?” Vriska asked.

“You’d better not think’a crawlin’ in here,” Eridan said. “This ain’t no place for _mistresses_.”

“I hope you weren’t planning to have Feferi over, then."

Eridan growled, but Tavros tightened his grip, whispering something into his ear and shooting Vriska a pleading look. Vriska rolled her eyes.

“Okay, look, this is how it is,” Vriska said, leaning over the side of the crate and glaring down at Eridan. “You like Feferi. Don’t pretend you don’t, because we know you do. And Tavros likes me.” Tavros eyes flashed to hers, and she smirked.

“He’s _my_ matesprit,” Eridan said, leaning back against Tavros. “He’s the birthtroll of _my_ wiggler.”

“Obviously,” Vriska responded. “But how would you like it if Feferi were your matesprit?”

Eridan scowled but didn’t reply.

“You would like it,” Vriska answered for him.

“You can’t promise me nothin’,” he snapped. “You just wanna trick me into lettin’ you take my matesprit away, you witch.”

“How very simple and single-minded of you,” Vriska said. “Do you really think I was expecting it to be that easy? Of course I can’t promise you anything. I’m not Feferi’s master, and if you’re not competent enough to inspire flushed passion in her, there’s nothing I can do about that. But that doesn’t mean I can’t help you.”

“...Help me how?” Eridan asked, eyeing her, and Tavros was also watching her.

“Well, I do live with Feferi, after all,” Vriska replied. “I could put in a few good words for you, tell you how to iron out your bad habits to make you seem at least somewhat likeable, maybe orchestrate some scenarios designed to let you show off...you know, help. So? How’d you like to be in cahoots with me?”

“What’s the catch?”

“The catch is this: first, you and Tavros can’t be matesprits while you’re courting Feferi,” she said. “Second, you have to move out of this dump to somewhere closer to our house.”

“No,” Eridan said, and when Vriska looked to Tavros, he avoided eye contact, betraying his own reservations.

“What’s the problem?”

“We aren’t gonna stop bein’ matesprits for any ludicrous hopes and dreams. That’s just stupid,” Eridan said, gliding his hand across the arm that Tavros still had wrapped around his torso and snaking his fingers between Tavros’s. Vriska frowned, and Tavros continued to avoid her eyes. “Do we look like idiots to you? Our entire matespritship ain’t nothin’ if it’s not pragmatic, and we’re not gonna throw everythin’ away just ‘cause there’s a slim possibility that something else _might_ work out.”

“If it doesn’t work out,” Vriska said, “you can go back to being matesprits. If your relationship is soooooooo pragmatic, that shouldn’t be too hard for you, right? You can just go back to being two trolls who don’t particularly like each other, living a lie for the sake of a wiggler.” Eridan scowled and Tavros finally shot her a glance.

“And what the hell do you propose we do in the meantime?” Eridan asked. “In case you didn’t know, you bein’ a coddled housetroll and whatnot, raising a wiggler isn’t a picnic. If we’re willin’ to keep livin’ a lie for it, as you so crudely put it, you gotta figure it’s not that easy.”

Vriska considered the point and shrugged. “Shift quadrants.”

“We aren’t gonna turn this into some sort of shitty kismesissitude, if that’s what you’re suggestin’,” Eridan snapped, flaring up.

“So be moirails!” Vriska shot back. “How hard is that?”

Eridan fell silent, and Tavros stared at Vriska before turning to him and asking, “Was that something we’ve ever considered as being a possibility before?”

“No,” Eridan said. “I like havin’ sex with you too much.”

A bright blush blazed across Tavros’s cheeks, and Vriska narrowed her eyes. “Well, uh,” Tavros stammered, shooting her an apologetic look, “maybe it could be something to try, at least temporarily, if, uh, you want to consider the plan Vriska is recommending...”

“You know we’re not gonna do it, Tav,” Eridan said, shifting to look at him. “Even if we could get this moirail thing worked out, you don’t wanna go live near a bunch’a humans anymore’n I do.”

Tavros looked at Vriska, who scowled. “How do you think you’re going to win over a spoiled, well-bred housetroll when you can’t even stomach a bit of human contact?” she asked, directing the question at Eridan.

“I don’t,” he said. “Which is why this whole thing was just gonna be a little flight of fancy to take the edge off’a my hard, unfulfilling life. Just ‘cause _you_ decided to make moves on my matesprit for it doesn’t mean _I_ was ever expectin’ to get anythin’ out of it.”

Vriska exhaled as a look of guilt passed across Tavros’s face. “Look,” she said, crossing her arms and glaring down at both of them. “If you would both stop being so stupidly narrow-minded about everything, you could easily work out all these pesky little kinks. Maybe you could even be happy for a change! Wouldn’t that be nice?”

“I think that would be nice,” Tavros mumbled, and Eridan shot him a look over his shoulder.

“I’m not saying you should beg my humans to adopt you,” Vriska said. “Have you heard me say anything at all about living with humans? No, you haven’t, because that isn’t part of the plan. If you don’t like humans, fine. You can still have your cake and eat it, too.”

“How?”

“If you live close enough to us, Feferi might be willing to compromise and leave the house for you. She’s not going to come clear out here to hang out in this rat’s nest, but if you set up in a nice little niche near our house, she might be willing to come to you. No humans involved.”

“If a troll goes anywhere near humans, humans get involved,” Eridan said.

“They won’t. Because I know a place where you’ll never get found.”

“Oh yeah? Where’s that?”

“Our shed.”

Eridan barked out a laugh. “That’s a joke, right? You want us to come live in your shed? Next thing you’ll be tellin’ us to stay in your basement, and then it’s just a matter’a time before we’re lickin’ our asses on your human’s laps!”

“As nice as that sounds,” Vriska said, wrinkling her nose in disgust, “I have no intention of letting you sit on my human, especially not while you’re licking your own ass. The house is my turf, and you’re not coming in. It’s an act of charity that I’m letting you have the shed. And you won’t have to worry about humans, because no one uses it. It’s been there for yeeeeeeeears, and I haven’t once seen John’s dad open it. I don’t even know what they keep in there! I can promise you that no one will bug, fuss, or meddle with you, and you’ll be able to pester your pity-interest whenever you want.”

“And how the hell are we supposed’a take care of ourselves livin’ in the middle of nowhere?” Eridan demanded. “Where do you suggest we find food? Or did you just think we’d be fine diggin’ shit out’a the garbage cans you keep out front?”

“Don’t act like you don’t eat garbage everyday anyways,” Vriska said.

“Well, okay, fine, maybe we do, but if I go pickin’ outta the same goddamn garbage cans day in and day out, don’t you think someone’s gonna notice?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Vriska said. “I’ll get you plenty of food, and it won’t even come from the garbage.”

Eridan frowned. “Now you’re just tryin’ to bribe us.”

“Maybe I am. Unlike you, I have complete confidence in this plan. If you cooperate with me, there is no reason why you should come out of this deal with anything but the best results. You’ll have the matesprit you want, he’ll have the matesprit he wants (more or less), your wriggle won’t have to eat shit anymore, and you can still be a wild troll, no captivity required.”

“And we’ll be livin’ in a shed."

“If that’s your only complaint, I don’t see what the big deal is.”

Eridan eyed her, thinking it over. He glanced over his shoulder at Tavros, who tried to look unbiased, and then went back to examining Vriska for another few seconds before responding, “Come back tomorrow. We’ll give you an answer then.”

Vriska groaned, and it almost seemed like she was going to protest, but she thought better of it. “Fiiiiiiiine,” she grumbled, scowling.

“Okay, fabulous, now go away,” Eridan said, gesturing for her to leave. She grit her teeth, glaring at him, before shooting Tavros a parting glance and turning to stalk out of the room. Tavros sighed and leaned his head back against the side of the crate, but Eridan stayed very still, listening carefully to make sure she had gone. After a few minutes, he turned and grabbed Tavros runder the knees, yanking his legs up and pulling him into the crate. “What the hell, Tav?” he said, ignoring Tavros’s yelp and leaning over him.

Tavros looked up at him. “I thought we weren’t going to do the kismesis thing,” he said.

“That’s not what’s happenin’ here, Tav. I’m just your plain ol’ flushed sort of _pissed_. So quit bein’ cute and answer the fuckin’ question.”

“I’m sorry,” Tavros mumbled. “She, uh, she’s been helping me be not so pathetic, or at least, that’s what I thought was happening until today, when she, uh, I guess decided that all this was going to happen. I swear that the makeout thing, which, uh, whoops, I guess you saw, isn’t an on-going thing that’s been happening, but is actually just a, uh, recent development, as in it started today. Really.”

Eridan scowled, glaring down at him, before huffing and releasing his legs. “Whatever. I guess it don’t matter all that much now. It’s probably my fault anyways for thinkin’ I could trust you. A guy like me can’t trust nobody these days.” Tavros sighed and moved to sit up, but Eridan plopped down on top of him, nestling onto him as though he were a lumpy body pillow. Sighing again, Tavros laid still and let him get comfortable, listening to him mumble.

“Are we going to discuss Vriska’s plan, so that we have a decision when she comes tomorrow?” Tavros asked.

“No."

“Oh...okay.”

A few minutes passed in silence, and Tavros was beginning to feel sleepy, squashed between Eridan’s cool body and the thick padding of the crate. He was drifting off when Eridan began to fidget again. “Tav.”

“...Yes?”

“Do you really like that bitch better’n me?”

Tavros groaned. “I don’t know why she said that, actually, because I never told her that I like her, or gave her any indication that I was ever at all interested in being her matesprit—“

“What?” Eridan demanded, propping himself up and looking at him. “So why the hell are we even considering any’a this bullshit if you don’t even wanna be her matesprit?”

“I, uh, didn’t necessarily say I don’t want to be her matesprit. I just said that I don’t know why she said so, because I never told her that’s the way I felt about the situation.”

Eridan made a noise of annoyance and flopped back down. After a second, he said, “So you do like her better is what you’re sayin’.”

“...I guess, yeah. Maybe.”

“You don’t have to spare my feelin’s or anythin’ like that, Tav, I can take it. Besides, I like Feferi better’n you, so it’s not like you’re the only one who likes someone else better. We can both be despicable traitors. Traitors who aren’t good enough no matter how hard they try. Oh, wait, that’s just me. You never tried.”

Tavros grimaced, rolling his eyes. “It’s not like you really like me all that much anyways,” he said, adding, “except, I guess, for the sex.”

“You’re gonna latch onto that one, aren’t you? What’s there to even be upset about? It’s a fuckin’ compliment.”

“...Thanks. I’m truly very flattered, whole-heartedly flattered to the most unbelievable degree, that the only reason you keep me in your flushed quadrant instead of another quadrant, which could potentially be more harmonious and worthwhile for us both, is because you’re horny.”

“Please, Tav, you’re the one with the giant horns here,” Eridan said, reaching up to smooth his thumb around the base of one of his horns.

“Don’t think that joking, or dealing with this issue of you belittling me in an otherwise frivolous manner, will change my annoyance about it, or distract me in any way,” Tavros said, leaning away from his hand.

“Oh, shut up, Tav. I’m not the one kissin’ other trolls as soon as your back is turned, am I? So, what, it’s belittlin’ of me to think you’re a good lay, but it’s not belittlin’ that you don’t give a shit about my feelin’s?”

“I said I’m sorry...”

“Yeah, and so did.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Well, fuck, I’m sorry, okay? I won’t ever say I like havin’ sex with you again.”

Tavros sighed and, feeling a little bad, wrapped his arms around Eridan. Eridan flicked his horn but continued to pet the short hair around its base. They were quiet for a few moments before Eridan prodded Tavros in the side of the head.

“So...” he said, and Tavros immediately frowned, knowing that something stupid was about to be said. “What did she call herself? Sekret, right?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think...hmm.”

“...What?”

“I dunno, I was gettin’ some pretty black vibes offa her—“

“Oh, wow, Eridan...”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t notice it, Tav. We were gettin’ ready to rip each other’s fuckin’ throats out, like—damn, now that I’m thinkin’ about it, somewhere in that whole mess’a drama somethin’ pitch definitely started brewin’ between the two of us.”

Tavros groaned, letting his arms flop to his sides. “You’re probably the worst troll in existence...”

“What?” Eridan demanded. “A guy’s gotta keep a look out for this sorta thing, Tav! It’s not everyday you feel that sorta passionate aggression towards another troll. Maybe with a bit’a time, the two’a us could be hittin’ up a rivalry worthy of a troll’a my breeding and ambition. Hell, a guy could do worse than a blueblood, that’s for damn sure, and she certainly seems like the cunning, treacherous sort, what with all that schemin’ and backstabbin’ and whatnot...I think there could be something there, Tav.”

Tavros was silent for a moment, and then, to Eridan’s surprise, he said, “Yeah, maybe.”

“So you think so too? It’s not just me misconstruin’ the situation?”

“No, you, uh, you might be right. There could definitely be something, uh, pitch, between you, and, uh...maybe it would be worthwhile to, uh...pursue it...”

Eridan glanced at Tavros, eyes narrowed with suspicion. “You got somethin’ goin’ on in your think pan that doesn’t have to do with my black interests,” he said.

“What? Oh no, I’m just being supportive and, uh, supporting you, in your romantic endeavors to fill your caliginous quadrant, and, uh, that’s definitely my only intention.”

“You think I can’t tell when you’re spewin’ bullshit out your protein chute, Tav? Why the hell would you be supportive about your real matesprit startin’ up a bellicose romance with your would-be matesprit? That makes no goddamn sense.”

“Then, uh...why are you even proposing it as a plan of action, if you don’t think I would support it?”

“Well, it’s not like you got any sort’a say in the matter. I was just sayin’, it doesn’t make any sense.”

“...Well, if I’m her matesprit, and you’re her kismesis, and we’re moirails, then maybe things could work out for us, without, uh, compromising Posean or our, uh, mutual participation in his upbringing, despite our act of shifting out of a concupiscent quadrant and into a conciliatory one...”

“I knew it,” Eridan said. “You only care how it benefits you. Maybe you could show some honest enthusiasm in my other romantic interests for a change.”

“You were just telling me how it wouldn’t make sense for me to support you in this particular romantic endeavor, so why would I be enthusiastic for any reason other than those that directly benefit me?”

Eridan huffed and thought for a moment, and then he propped himself up on his elbows, looking down at Tavros. “Listen, Tav, if we’re gonna consider doin’ what that connivin’ flushcrush’a yours is suggestin’ we do, things are gonna have to change between us.”

“So you’re thinking about it?”

“I’m not sayin’ yes or no or anythin’ else about it yet. But if we do, things are gonna be different.”

“I, uh, would assume that would be the case, if we became paler red than what we are now.”

“Things are gonna be very different.”

“Uh, yes, I think I understand that.”

Eridan examined his face for a few seconds, and then he squirmed forward to press a kiss against his lips. They locked eyes, and Tavros softened, allowing Eridan to deepen the kiss. Breaking, Eridan said, “I guess we can give Sekret’s crackpot plan a try, but I’m only promisin’ a week of cooperation. After that, if things are workin’ out, we’ll see what happens.”

“Not much can happen in a week...” Tavros said.

“I’m not gonna promise more’n a week,” Eridan said. “I don’t like bein’ that close to humans. If we can go a whole week without gettin’ fussed with, maybe I’ll stay longer.”

“I don’t like being close to humans either, but maybe for something like this, it won’t be so bad.”

“Don’t get all complacent on me, Tav. Humans are the enemy, and that’s not changin’ ‘cause of two pairs’a pretty eyes. Nothin’s worth the sort of humiliatin’ subjugation humans put on trolls, no matter what, and I’ll rip out my own pump biscuit before I see Posean get made into a fuckin’ housetroll.”

“No, no, I won’t ever let that happen either, “ Tavros agreed.

“I know you won’t,” Eridan said, taking off his glasses. “If there’s anythin’ I can give you credit for, it’s that you take good care’a my wiggler.” He kissed Tavros again, more hungrily now, scooting up to straddle his hips.

“Eridan—“ Tavros complained, squirming underneath him, “we don’t know where Posean is...”

Eridan groaned and sat up, making a show of looking for Posean. “He’s outta sight, so it’s fine,” he said, leaning back down and nipping at Tavros’s lips, cupping his face to fondle the base of horns.

“No, Eridan...did you check along the floor outside the box?”

Gritting his teeth, Eridan lifted himself up and looked over the edge of the crate, scanning along the floor. “Goddamn it,” he muttered as he locked eyes with the violet wiggler, who was clinging to the side of the crate. He debated ignoring it, but he knew it would look bad if it decided to crawl the rest of the way up at an inopportune moment. Exhaling moodily, he reached over and seized it, tugging it away from the wood and tossing it into the crate. “There, happy?” he said. “We’ll pick up where we left off later.”

Tavros smiled as Posean squirmed onto his stomach, commandeering Eridan’s perch.


	6. Chapter 6

“Can you see them?” Kanaya asked, sitting with Feferi on the kitchen counter looking out the window. It was a dark, moonless night, and even with their heightened nocturnal vision, it was difficult to see the three trolls circling the shed in the backyard.

“That must be Tavros!” Feferi exclaimed, and Kanaya shushed her, shooting a glance into the living room, where John had fallen asleep watching a movie hours ago. Feferi smiled and continued, more quietly, “Do you think he had a hard time getting here? It doesn’t look like his limp is that bad.”

“He’s crouching,” Kanaya observed. “Vriska said he walks better when he uses all his limbs. It’s practical, if less dignified.”

“He’s smaller than I thought he’d be. But look at those horns! Vriska wasn’t kidding,” she said, shooting Kanaya a suggestive look. Kanaya rolled her eyes and returned her attention to the yard.

“Vriska finished digging the hole into the shed, right?” she asked, frowning as they continued to loiter in the yard.

“Don’t worry, Kanaya, I’m sure Vriska has it under control!” Feferi responded with a smile.

Kanaya sighed. “I think she overestimates her abilities.”

“Probably,” Feferi said, laughing. “But that’s what she has you for, isn’t it?”

“I often wonder if I want that sort of responsibility,” Kanaya said as the sound of Eridan’s voice rose in anger, followed by a hissed retort from Vriska.

“You’re good at it,” Feferi said. “And it looks like you’re going to have plenty of work to do!” She laughed as another series of angry phrases were exchanged.

“How about you?” Kanaya asked, looking at Feferi. “Are you prepared for this? Vriska didn’t give you any say in the matter.”

“I think I am,” Feferi said, nodding. “Even if it doesn’t work out between us, it’s still something fun to do, am I right?” She smiled at Kanaya and winked.

“I don’t think we should treat this situation too flippantly,” Kanaya said. “We’re toying with the delicate harmony that holds those trolls’ lives together. Should something go wrong, we may be able to walk away from this heinous romantic experiment unscathed, but it’s unlikely they would be so lucky.”

“I know,” Feferi said, growing more serious. “I won’t do anything that would cause any major damage.”

“I know you won’t. It’s not you I’m worried about.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about Vriska either! If she really is flushed for Tavros, she won’t let him get hurt. I’m sure she’ll work everything out fine!”

“I wish I could share your optimism.”

“Well, it’s probably good you’re thinking realistically. Someone has to be the voice of reason around here, and I don’t want to do it!” Feferi said, laughing. “They’re lucky you’re around to keep an eye on things, Kanaya. We all are.”

“Hmm,” she responded. “At least you're capable of taking care of yourself.”

“We’ll see about that!” Feferi said. “I could be the worst of them all!”

“I hope not."

“Hey, let’s stop being so serious. We’re getting new neighbors! Isn’t that exciting? How do you think we should welcome them to the neighborhood?”

“I...haven’t given that any thought at all.”

“We have to do something. It’s basic courtesy!”

“I suppose it would be courteous to extend some token of goodwill, especially if they were hesitant about coming in the first place.”

“Right? So what should we do? Should we invite them over for some food and conversation? It could be like a party!”

“Vriska made it very clear that they aren’t to come into the house."

“Bah, she’s so grouchy!” Feferi grumbled, and then, after a pause, she said, “She doesn’t have to be invited.”

“I think we should respect Vriska’s territorial demands. This was originally her turf before we moved in with our humans, after all, which would make her the...alpha troll, territorially,” Kanaya said, wrinkling her nose. Feferi burst out laughing, and Kanaya hushed her again, cocking her head towards the living room.

“You’re always complaining about her ego, but you’re the one feeding it,” Feferi said, chuckling.

“It keeps the peace,” Kanaya replied with a sighed.

“Yes, it does! And if it makes everyone feel better, then it’s worth it. But I still think it’s stupid that she’s making us conduct our courtships in the shed.”

“Yes, well...perhaps it won’t be that bad.”

“I guess we’ll see!”


	7. Chapter 7

“Psst, Eridan!” Feferi hissed into the hole that Vriska had dug beneath the shed. She waited a few seconds and hissed his name again, listening for a reply. She heard scuffling on the other side of the wall, and Eridan appeared, crawling out of the hole.

“Fef, what’re you doin’ out here?” he asked, dusting himself off and straightening his clothes. “I didn’t know you were okay with leavin’ the house.”

“Of course I am!” she said, laughing. “I’m not as prissy as Kanaya is.”

“Then how come you never came outside to talk to me before?” Eridan asked.

“You never asked me to,” she said, shrugging.

“I didn’t ask you to now and you did anyways.”

“Well, you sort of did, by moving all the way out here to be with me,” she responded. “So I thought I’d welcome you to the neighborhood personally! I was going to invite you in, but—“

“I got no interest in crawlin’ into your human house,” Eridan interrupted.

“Invitation retracted!” Feferi grumbled. “You’re never going to get over the human thing, are you?”

“We talked about this, Fef. I’m not gonna become a pet to a creature that has no business lordin’ it over trolls like they’re better’n us.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that my human doesn’t ‘lord it over’ me? She’s a good person who takes care of me very well!”

“I thought you were here to welcome me, not to give me lectures on troll-human relations,” Eridan said.

“I was, but you have to make everything so difficult,” Feferi retorted.

“I don’t—“

“You do! You have to make everything into a scene!”

“Fuck, _sorry_.”

“Good,” Feferi said, brightening. “Now, come with me!” She grabbed his hand and started pulling him towards the house.

“Woah, wait a minute, where are we goin’?” he asked, digging his heels into the ground and resisting.

“It’s a surprise!” she said with a laugh. “Don’t worry, we’re not going into the house. Quit being such a nervous drama machine!”

He eyed her and relaxed, allowing her to lead him around the house. She brought him to the tree in the front yard, but instead of scrambling up its trunk, she clambered into the tire swing hanging from its branches, settling into the curving interior of the tire and gesturing for him to join her.

“This is your surprise?” he asked, climbing in across from her.

“Hey, shut up! I think it’s a fun place to talk!” she said. “If we hadn’t moved here from Roxy’s house, we would have had so many awesome places to crawl into, but there weren’t enough rooms, so they had to buy a new house.”

“Why would they come here? There’s too many damn people in this neighborhood,” he asked, and she just shrugged and laughed.

“I don’t mind! It’s more exciting here anyways. It could get kind of boring, sitting around that big, empty house. Roxy was always doing work, and Rose and Kanaya both like their alone time. It was frustrating,” she said, and then she smiled. “I like that there are so many people here. They’re fun to watch!”

“Yeah, it’s so much fuckin’ fun to watch a bunch of stupid humans parade around, doin’ whatever the hell humans do to keep themselves busy,” Eridan said. “If I were you, I’d’a wanted to stay in the country.”

“You should be happy we moved out here! How else would we have met?”

He blushed and grumbled, “Well, that’s true...”

“See?” she said. “There’s a positive side to being here that even you can appreciate.”

“Fine, yeah, it’s great we met, but I still don’t like it here,” he said, glancing down the street as a car started up. “I don’t like livin’ outta that shed. I don’t know why Sekret thought it was a good idea in the first place, shovin’ two adult trolls and a wiggler into a tiny fuckin’ shed like that. It’s downright reprehensible. Not to mention how close it is to all these human dwellin’s. It almost makes me think she’s doin’ it just to fuck with us.”

“Why would she want to fuck with you?” Feferi asked. “She’s trying to get Tavros to like her.”

“All a troll’s gotta do to get that pansy to like ‘em is to act tough and push him around a bit,” Eridan said. He pouted. “He thinks that goddamn shed is somehow a step up from what we had before, which it’s _not_. I had a whole fuckin’ house for him to live in, but did he ever once show any signs’a gratitude? Not once! He bitches about everythin’ I do, but the cocky broad who orders him around like she’s his fuckin’ human can’t seem to do a damn thing wrong. But whatever, that’s not the point.”

“What is the point?”

“I don’t know if you wanna hear it. I mean, it’s the sort of personal thing you don’t drag into conversations like this.”

“Eridan,” Feferi said, sighing, “could you please just tell me what’s on your mind without all this theatrical nonsense?”

“Hmm...I wouldn’t wanna give you the wrong impression.”

“What _impression?_ ”

He considered her for a second before shrugging. “Fine, it’s like this: ever since we met, Sekret’s been pretty damn malicious towards me, and I think she’s been fanning a bit of a black flame, if you know what I mean.”

Feferi’s eyes widened. “You think Vriska’s has black feelings for you?”

“Well, I don’t wanna go around spewin’ any slander or makin’ a scene about the business’a my other quadrants, but that’s the vibes I’ve been gettin’.”

“But, Eridan...if that’s true, it’s probably bad!” Feferi said, looking worried. “Things could get really confusing between the three of you!”

“The three of us? What, are you bringin’ Tav into this? It’s none’a his damn business who I’m conducting my black affairs with!”

“Yes it is!” Feferi responded. “He’s your ex-matesprit and Vriska’s potential matesprit! If you and Vriska start up a caliginous relationship while she and Tavros are in a flushed relationship...Eridan, that could get really complicated!”

“He should be happy I let him in any’a my quadrants to begin with!” Eridan said. “If it weren’t for that wiggler, I wouldn’t’a given him a second glance after I made the appalling mistake of lettin’ him onto my turf...it just goes to show, one nice deed can ruin you for life.”

“That’s not true!”

“That’s easy for you to say, ‘cause you’re not the one payin’ for it! He doesn’t deserve me. It’s fuckin’ barbarous for someone’a my breeding to have such a lowblooded troll in any’a my quadrants, let alone my flushed one. I was doin’ him a fuckin’ favor by lettin’ him into my bed—“

“Eridan!” Feferi interrupted. “You’re not putting yourself in the best light right now.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to hear you verbally abuse your ex-matesprit, and I especially don’t want to hear you talk about your awful sexual rendezvous with trolls you don’t care about.”

Eridan’s eyes widened and he stammered, “No, that’s—it’s not like that’s somethin’ I did with a lot of trolls! It was just Tavros, ‘cause he...”

“I know,” Feferi said. “Vriska got the story from Tavros, and I’ve heard it. But no matter how it happened or who’s to blame, you still shouldn’t talk badly about Tavros or mistreat him in any way. It doesn’t matter if he’s a lowblood or a highblood, he’s still the birthtroll of your wiggler and you should respect him!”

Eridan pouted, looking ashamed of himself. After a second, he commented, “It doesn’t matter anyways, ‘cause we’ve talked about it and he’s fine with it.”

“About you and Vriska?”

“Yeah.”

“He is?”

“Yeah. That manipulative bitch’s got him wrapped around all her pretty little fingers, and he’d be fine with anythin’ so long as it might make me consider stayin’ around this dump a little longer.”

Feferi pursed her lips, processing that statement. “So...what you’re saying is, he doesn’t mind because he thinks a relationship with Vriska will keep you around?”

He nodded.

“And...you think Vriska’s manipulating him into thinking that way?”

“Yeah, she’s got him wantin’ her so bad he’d let me do whatever I want if it’ll give him a chance at her. He doesn’t care a damn about me as long as he gets what he wants. Self-servin’ sonuvabitch...”

Feferi narrowed her eyes. “Do you think...”

“Think what?”

Suddenly, a look of understanding crossed her face, and she gasped, clapping her hands over her mouth. Eyes wide, she leaned forward and whispered, “Do you think that she and Tavros are in cahoots?”

“What’re you gettin’ at?”

“I mean, do you think she’s inviting a rivalry to keep you around no matter what happens?”

“What...you mean the black passes are fake?” he said, lowering his voice as well.

“I don’t know! Maybe,” she whispered. “You can’t really tell with Vriska. She has a lot of irons in the fire, you know.”

“But why the fuck would she have to do that?” Eridan asked. “I’m already here, and I got—I mean, I’m already, you know, talkin’ to you, unless...”

“Oh, she’s good!” Feferi muttered, thinking. “This is a safeguard against failure. She’s ensuring her victory!”

“What? No, hey, that’s not fuckin’ fair!” Eridan said, forgetting to whisper. “She really is the conniving bitch I had her pegged for, goin’ behind my back to rig our deal in her favor. She’s gonna steal my matesprit whether I get a new one or not!”

“She...what?”

Eridan froze, shutting his mouth and looking at Feferi in dismay. “Did she not tell you, or—do you even fuckin’ know why I’m here? What did she tell you about what’s goin’ on anyways?”

“She told me part of the plan, but it sounds like there’s more she didn’t tell me about!”

“Tell me what she told you before I shove my feet any farther into my mouth.”

“Well, she told me the obvious thing...”

“What obvious thing?”

“That you both came to pursue your respective flushed interests, of course!”

Eridan breathed a sigh of relief. “So...you know, then, that I’m...you know...interested...”

Feferi laughed. “Obviously I know, silly!”

“So...are we a thing?”

“ _Your stupid face is a thing_!”

“That—what?”

Feferi laughed. “You need to slow down. I haven’t made up my mind yet!”

“But you’re thinking about it, right?” Eridan asked. “You’re not disinterested, at least.”

“Hey, stop changing the subject! What’s the rest of this plan that I don’t know about?”

Eridan pouted and debated on ignoring the question, but he decided against it and sighed. “The deal was that me and Tav wouldn’t be matesprits while we were here, but if things didn’t work out, we’d go back to the way things were. So that if I took a risk with you, I wouldn’t be losin’ everything. But I guess now we know that that plan’s been fuckin’ bastardized by that no-good backstabbin’ cheat!”

“Hold on, Eridan, let’s not be too hasty!” Feferi said. “If Vriska and Tavros really are scheming of ways to keep you around, they’re going to do things that benefit you, right?”

Eridan shrugged. “Maybe, I guess...”

“The answer is ‘right.’ If Vriska is trying to start up a caliginous relationship with you, it doesn’t matter why she’s doing it, you’ll still have a kismesis, right?”

“...Right.”

“Right! So no matter what, you’ll have a kismesis and a moirail, and the worst that could happen is that you won’t have a matesprit anymore!”

“What are you tryin’ to say?” Eridan asked. “That I should let this vile and treacherous breach’a trust go unpunished?”

“Are you kidding? You should retaliate!” Feferi said. Eridan stared at her, surprised by her sudden gusto.

“So now you’re encouragin’ me to get confrontational with Sekret?”

“Don’t you see, Eridan? She’s going to rig this whole thing to benefit herself. She’s sneaky! You have to keep a step ahead of her! And who knows, you two could become incredible kismesisses!”

“But...”

“But what?”

“...Hmm.”

“But _what_ , Eridan?”

“But what if it doesn’t work out between us? What if I lose Tav because’a it? I mean, not as a matesprit, since, with you—but as a anythin’, I guess is what I’m sayin’.”

She stared at him for a second and then smiled. “That’s so cute, Eridan!”

“It’s not cute!” Eridan said. “I’m just bein’ practical. I’m no good with that damn wiggler, and it’d be a cryin’ shame if I had to take it away from Tav.”

Feferi’s face fell and she huffed. “You’re right, that’s not cute at all. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that!”

“Yeah, let’s fuckin’ hope."


	8. Chapter 8

“Vriska! You’re in so much freaking trouble, missy!” Feferi said, jumping onto the couch next to Kanaya and glaring at Vriska, who was sprawled across John’s lap.

“Did I miss the toilet again?” she asked with a hint of sarcasm.

“Is that a reoccurring problem?” Kanaya asked, wrinkling her noise in disgust.

“It was a joke! Lighten up, fussyfangs.”

“I was just talking to Eridan, and you’ve been keeping things from me!” Feferi accused, demanding Vriska’s attention.

“What things?” Vriska asked. “I told you the plan. Did I forget something?”

“Only the part where you contentiously seduce Eridan to ensure you come out on top no matter what happens!”

“Wait, what?” Vriska asked. “What the hell are you talking about, Peixes?”

“Don’t play dumb! We’ve figured you out!” Feferi said. “You two thought you were being so sneaky, going behind our backs like that! Well, I’ll have you know...” and she smiled, lowering her voice, “...that I think it’s a great plan!”

“What?”

“Making sure that Eridan can’t leave Tavros, even if we don’t work out...it’s brilliant! You really did think of everything!”

“Peixes, what are you talking about?”

Feferi sighed, rolling her eyes. “You’re only supposed to drag it out so long, you know. It’s getting stupid.”

Vriska growled and hopped off John’s lap. “Oh my god, Peixes, would you shut up? I honestly have no idea what you’re going on about!”

“Really?”

“Yeeeeeees!”

Feferi examined her for a moment and decided she was telling the truth. “...Oh,” she said. “So you and Tavros aren’t in cahoots to push Eridan into a kismesissitude with you so that even if you steal Tavros away from Eridan forever he won’t be able to run away with their wiggler, leaving Tavros sad and alone?”

Vriska mouth dropped open, and Kanaya’s eyebrows flew up. “What the fuck, Peixes! Where the hell did you get that idea?”

She shrugged. “It seemed like something you would do.”

“Does Eridan think this as well?” Kanaya asked with some concern.

“Yes.”

“Wait, back up. What exactly is this about?” Vriska asked.

“Well, Eridan and I were talking, and he told me that he thought you were making black passes at him, and that Tavros had told him that he didn’t mind if you two were kismesisses, and I thought that sounded pretty fishy. So one thing led to another, and we decided the two of you must be planning something together!”

“Why?”

“Because it seemed like something you would do!” Feferi repeated. “You went on and on about how Eridan was threatening to leave with the wiggler to keep Tavros trapped in their relationship, and we all know that you don’t intend to let Eridan have Tavros back if it doesn’t work out between us—“

“Oh, you all know that, do you?” Vriska interrupted. “Way to make me sound like an uncompromising bitch!”

“Feferi is right, it does sound like something you would do,” Kanaya commented.

“So you all just assumed that I’ve been scheming up this diabolical plan to sabotage their relationship and ensure my victory at all cost?”

“Haven’t you?” Kanaya asked.

“...Maybe.”

“Just another iron in the fire,” Kanaya confirmed for her, nodding.

“So we were right?” Feferi asked.

“Hardly! I still don’t know what you were thinking I had planned.”

“I told you,” Feferi said, huffing, “Eridan and I were talking about how you’re so aggressive towards him, and he said he suspected you were making black passes. I thought that sounded kind of fishy, since you’re trying to form a matespritship with Tavros! And then, when he said Tavros didn’t care if you two got hot and heavy in a caliginous sort of way, I knew there must be something up! It would be too confusing, filling both of your concupiscent quadrants with trolls who have a history like Eridan and Tavros’s. Even you’re not that stupid!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I was joking,” Feferi said, laughing. “Anyways, I naturally thought you and Tavros were scheming something up! Think about it, if you and Eridan were kismesisses, even if you did steal Tavros away from Eridan and he got angry about it, he can’t just leave with the wiggler like he could before. He’d have to maintain his rivalry with you! In fact, it would probably just make his enmity stronger, and he’d have even more reason to stick around!”

“It certainly wouldn’t help Tavros much,” Kanaya said.

“No, it would! Because if he were here with Vriska, and Eridan had to keep coming around to continue his rivalry, Eridan wouldn’t be able to disappear without a trace like he could before. Even if he did take the wiggler, Tavros would always know where he is! And if he had to bother with Vriska all the time, Eridan might not even want to take the wiggler away.”

“Hey, I like this plan!” Vriska said, smirking as she thought it over. “And if Eridan did try to meddle with my pathetic matesprit, I could kick his ass and save the day. He’d be the comical half-witted villain, Tavros would be the helpless damsel in distress, and I would be the attractive, cunning hero!”

“Yeah, I thought you were so clever for coming up with it!” Feferi said, laughing. “But since now we know you didn’t come up with it, I guess we know I’m the clever one.”

“I have to hand it to you, Peixes, it is a clever plan. And exciting, too.”

“Yes!” Feferi responded, beaming.

“Wait, if this wasn’t your plan, then what did you originally have in mind?” Kanaya asked Vriska, frowning.

“Don’t worry about that plan. I’m scrapping it. It was a bad plan anyways,” Vriska said, waving the question away. “It was only a little less forgiving than this plan.”

“Less forgiving how?”

“Don’t worry about it! Feferi’s plan is the new plan, so you don’t need to know about the old one.”

“Were you going to do something to Eridan?” Kanaya asked, narrowing her eyes.

“Don’t worry about it! You’re always prying into my business. Poking and prying and meddling.”

Kanaya sighed. “Yes, yes, I’m an awful person for being concerned about the welfare of other trolls."

“Yeah you are!” Feferi joked.

“...Yes, well, in any case, I’m glad you’re not planning Eridan’s death,” Kanaya said.

“No, this is waaaaaaay more fun! Maybe things won’t be so boring around here from now on! Besides, Tavros would have been pissed if I killed Eridan.”

“Wait, were you really going to kill him?” Feferi asked, looking at Vriska in alarm.

“Don’t worry about it, god!” she said. “It doesn’t matter what I was going to do. It only matters what I’m going to do now! And now, I’ve got a rivalry to establish.”

She smirked and jumped from the couch, slinking towards the kitchen. Feferi jumped down after her and followed, grinning. Kanaya remained where she was and sighed.

“Hey, Rose,” John said, calling for her to look up from the obscure novel she was reading across the room. She and Kanaya both looked at him. “Is it just me, or have the trolls been acting weird lately?”

“Weird?” she asked.

“Yeah, like...I dunno, more energetic.”

“They’re probably excited about the trolls in the shed,” Rose replied, returning to her book. Kanaya stared at her, shocked, and John wasn’t much less surprised.

“Woah, what? There are trolls in the shed?” he asked.

“Yes, three of them.”

“Really? How long have they been there?”

“I’m not sure. One of them has been visiting Feferi for a while now.”

“Oh...so Feferi has a troll boyfriend?”

“I’m not sure. It came with another adult and a wiggler, so it’s hard to say. Trolls have complicated mating practices.”

“Oh, so it’s a whole family of trolls?”

“It seems so.”

“I’ve never seen a baby troll before...”

“It’s cute. I’ve found it’s particularly fond of cheese.”

“Oh, you’ve been feeding it?” John asked, and Kanaya almost fell off the couch in alarm. “So it’s friendly, then?”

“I wouldn’t say that, but he’s been warming up to me,” Rose responded, eyeing Kanaya. “...I’m under the impression that the older trolls would not be likewise receptive to such simple gestures of goodwill, unfortunately.”

“Oh,” John said, a little disappointed. “I was hoping we could make friends.”

Rose shrugged. “You can try anyways. Be cautious around the wiggler, though. If its parents catch you near it, they may become aggressive.”

“Huh. Well, gosh, now I know why the trolls are all excited. It’s like having new neighbors!”

“Yes, it is exactly like that.”

“I’m gonna go see if I can catch a glimpse of the baby!” John said, standing up. Kanaya began to panic again, and she called out to him, extending her hands to be carried. He turned to look at her and laughed. “Hey Rose, look! I think Kanaya’s finally starting to like me!”

“She’s probably been listening to our conversation and has some incommunicable reservations about your desire to make friends with our new ‘neighbors.’”

“No way, trolls can’t understand people-speak!”

“Are you sure?”

“Well...not completely sure, no. But I’m pretty sure.”

“In that case, maybe she is starting to like you. Don’t keep her waiting, or you may wear out your invitation.”

“Right,” John said, bending and hoisting Kanaya into his arms. Her mind was working rapidly as he carried her into the kitchen.


	9. Chapter 9

Eridan found Tavros in the shed napping with Posean in the plastic bin that had become their new bed. “Move over,” he said, ignoring their sleepy protests and shoving himself between them. “Move move move. And you, go play outside or somethin’,” he said to Posean, picking him up and dropping him over the side of the bin.

“Ah—! Eridan...”

“Shut up, he’s fine,” Eridan said, snuggling into him and tugging at his waist. “You’re spoilin’ him anyways. C’mere.”

Tavros sighed as Eridan brushed several kisses across his forehead. “What are you doing, and why?”

“Can’t a matesprit get some lovin’? C’mon, kiss me,” he said, pecking at Tavros’s lips.

“I thought we were just going to be moirails from now on,” Tavros said, furrowing his brow. 

“I never liked that part’a the plan,” Eridan said. “We don’t know how much we can trust any’a these people. We gotta stick together, Tav, or we might end up with less than what we started with.”

“But we can’t be matesprits when we’re talking to other people.”

“Why not? It’s not like we promised them anythin’ yet. You and me are matesprits until we get new matesprits. That means until we’re _both_ of us officially in other matespritships.”

“I don’t know about that...”

“C’mon, Tav, it’s not a big deal. Just don’t go around talkin’ about it, and what difference’ll it make?”

“Well, besides the obvious things about trust and respect, maybe I just don’t want to be the third wheel while you flirt shamelessly with another troll,” Tavros said, pushing away from him.

“No, Tav, c’mon, you’re my first wheel, and she’s the third wheel. I don’t even know why I have to tell you that,” Eridan insisted, pulling him back. “And besides, you have an unfair advantage, ‘cause the troll you’re flirtin’ with already likes you back. You can’t just leave me hangin’ if somethin’ goes wrong, not after everythin’ I’ve done for you, right? You’re the bearer of my wiggler, for cryin’ out loud, Tav, you gotta give me a little acknowledgement for that at least.”

Tavros groaned. “I guess so...even though you only care because he’s got the same blood as you, and isn’t a fudgeblood like me...”

“We’ve been over this, Tav, do you really gotta bring it up again? Yeah, okay, we had a rough start, but we’re a family now, right?”

“A family...?”

“Yeah, exactly, so come give your wigglerdaddy some sugar.” He propped himself up and leaned over Tavros, pulling him into a greedy kiss. Tavros sighed through his nose but relaxed, allowing Eridan to nudge him onto his back and push his legs apart with his knee.

“I think Vriska’s right. You truly are the most selfish troll,” Tavros said when he broke the kiss, “and if I were a better person than I am, and maybe less helpless, I don’t know if I would bother with you.”

“Hey, what’s with the personal attacks lately? I swear, that backstabbin’ blueblood’s been turnin’ you against me. You’d better watch it or you’re gonna start wadin’ into caliginous territory,” Eridan said, pulling his shirt off and tugging Tavros’s up his torso. “And I’m not gonna tell you again that I’m not interested in goin’ black with you. You just stay right in the red quadrants where I like you.”

“You, uh, don’t always help me keep myself free of black feelings,” Tavros said as he pulled his shirt the rest of the way off and undid his pants.

“Stop killin’ the mood,” Eridan said, his voice low with arousal as he struggled to get the rest of his clothes off. “Can’t you be more romantic or somethin’? Why do I have to do all the work in this relationship?”

“Probably because it’s actually a really bad relationship.”

“Bullshit,” Eridan said. He ran his claws up Tavros’s sides and down again, smirking when he felt him shiver, and leaned forward for another kiss. This time, Tavros responded, stroking his tongue against Eridan’s and threading his fingers through his smooth hair. Eridan grinned. “See, you love this.”

“I don’t love you, though.”

“Do you really wanna get ebony with me? ‘Cause if you keep bein’ so damn cheeky, I might start feelin’ a bit hostile,” Eridan said, digging his claws into the sensitive flesh on the inner dip of Tavros’s hipbones. Tavros winced slightly.

“...No.”

“Then try being a good matesprit for once. I’m nothin’ but good to you.” Tavros grimaced slightly, but Eridan pressed a small kiss against the tight corner of his lip. “Be a good matesprit.”

“You don’t love me either,” Tavros said, allowing his hand to slip from Eridan’s head and resting it instead on Eridan’s forearm.

“I’m nothin’ but good to you!” he repeated. “I’m at least kinda red for you. Why are you always bitchin’ about this sorta thing? Always goin’ on about how I don’t love you, how I’m not flushed for you, how I don’t even like you that much...we got each other, ain’t that enough?”

“But now we have others, too, who may potentially actually love us.”

“But are they here right now?” Eridan whispered into his ear. He ran a hand up Tavros’s side, his other hand moving lower to squeeze the junction of his hip and thigh.

“No,” Tavros murmured as Eridan ran his hand back down his torso to his bulge, which had begun to emerge from its bone sheath. Eridan smirked and began kissing his neck, allowing Tavros’s bulge to snake around his fingers. He stroked it gently, and his other hand resumed its work messaging along Tavros’s hipbone. It found the sensitive spot that made Tavros squirm and pressed down, and Tavros gasped, his bulge tightening its grip on Eridan’s fingers.

“Serket doesn’t know what you like like I know what you like,” Eridan said, returning to kiss Tavros’s lips. Tavros hummed as he moved his hand from his bulge to his nook, tracing the entrance before slowly slipping in a finger. Tavros snaked his hand up behind Eridan’s head as Eridan added another finger and brought his free hand to resume work on Tavros’s bulge.

Tavros stifled a moan, and Eridan smirked against his lips, watching him as he rubbed against the places he knew were most pleasurable. When he noticed Tavros close his eyes, he removed his fingers and adjusted himself between Tavros’s legs, lifting Tavros’s hips. Tavros eyes flew open again, and anticipating his protests, Eridan deepened the kiss, stifling Tavros’s words as his bulge stroked against the entrance of his nook. Tavros pushed against Eridan’s shoulders, freeing his mouth, but he could only manage a breathy, “Eridan—“ before Eridan thrust into him. He mewled as Eridan’s bulged shifted inside of him, and Eridan swatted his arms away so he could lean back in to lick at his jaw.

Eridan pushed Tavros’s legs further apart, thrusting deep and slow the way he knew Tavros liked. He was rewarded with a throaty moan and a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss. Smirking, he murmured dirty phrases into Tavros’s mouth whenever their lips separated, allowing his bulge to shift and pulse for a beat between thrusts and searching Tavros’s body for the elusive erogenous spots he had located over time. Tavros arched against him, his own bulge sliding against Eridan’s lower abdomen until Eridan gave it the attention it wanted. The hot pressure began to grow and spread through their bodies, and Eridan felt Tavros’s breath hitch. He picked up his pace, and nearing the edge, he felt Tavros shudder and tighten around him, and he couldn’t hold it off any longer. He groaned as he came, and, panting, he sat up, running his hand through his hair. Tavros looked up at him, eyes lidded and mohawk disheveled.

“Not complainin’ so much now, are you?” he sneered, leaning down and pecking him on the cheek. In response, Tavros put his hand on his face and pushed him away.

“...You know I don’t like it when you do that.”

“Like what?” Eridan asked, frowning. “You sure do seem like you like it.”

“You know what I mean,” Tavros grumbled. “It’s not a big deal to you, because wigglers aren’t something you’re concerned about, but I’m concerned, and so it is a big deal to me.”

Eridan groaned. “This again? How many times do we need to talk about this? If you got one, you may as well have two. It’s not even worth doin’ any other way.”

“Well, with the recent quadrant developments and courtship scenarios, we have a new reason to talk about it again. It may have been lucky that the last one was a highblood like you, but we both know that, with the two of us being so far apart on the hemospectrum, and highbloods being rarer than lowbloods, it’s pretty improbable that another wiggler, if we had one, would be highblooded.”

“So? A wiggler’s a wiggler.”

Tavros frowned. “That’s true, theoretically, but, uh...you don’t actually think so.”

“What’re you gettin’ at?”

“What I’m getting at is, if you’re really interested in finding a new matesprit, who’s not me, and who’s a lot higher on the hemospectrum than I am, and we have another wiggler who, like me, has really low blood, you’re not going to be interested in helping me raise it the same way you were with the first, and you’ll most likely ignore its existence and abandon me in all things involving it. And I’d most definitely have difficulties doing it by myself.”

Eridan thought about his point for a moment, and then he shrugged. “Get Serket to help you.”

Tavros frowned and muttered something, sitting up and gathering his clothes.

“And now you’re mad at me, aren’t you?” Eridan said, watching him sulk. Tavros turned his back on him, pulling his pants on with difficulty. “Well, fine, be that way. I don’t know what you were expectin’ anyways. It’s not like you let me help with the first one. You’re always complainin’ about everything I do with it. I can’t do nothin’ right in your eyes, can I?”

“Maybe...you should go away now."

“Don’t need to tell me twice,” he grumbled, clothing himself much faster than Tavros and hopping out of the bin. He slipped outside and found himself face to face with Vriska.

“Follow me,” she said, smirking. She turned and stalked across the yard, and after a second’s hesitation, Eridan trailed after her.


	10. Chapter 10

John set Kanaya down on the kitchen counter next to Feferi, who looked at her curiously. “You never let anyone but Rose carry you!” she said.

“We have a situation,” Kanaya responded. “Rose knows about the three in the shed, and she’s been feeding the wiggler. If it were just Rose, I wouldn’t be so concerned, as she has a good basic understanding of the troll psyche, but...she just told John.”

“Oh no!” Feferi said with a gasp. “But...maybe he won’t bother them much! There isn’t anything to worry about yet, right?”

“I don’t—“

“Oh, hey! There is a baby troll!” John said. “Oh man, he’s so cute! I want one...”

Both the trolls turned and looked out the window. Posean was squirming across the yard in plain sight, apparently too young to know the importance of stealth.

“What is he doing out?” Kanaya questioned, looking at Feferi, who shrugged.

“Vriska went out to confront Eridan, so maybe he got out while they were distracted...”

“They can’t just let him wander around, unless they want him to get abducted by some idiot child...”

“No, you’re absolutely right, Kanaya!” Feferi agreed, nodding. “I’ll take care of it.”

She jumped down from the counter and slipped through the troll flap, dashing across the yard. Kanaya made a noise of alarm, almost leaping down to follow her, but she hesitated, unsure of how to best react. She turned back to the window, watching Feferi approach the wiggler. It reacted to her with hostility, showing off its sharp teeth, but she crouched low to the ground and continued her advance.

“Woah, what’s Feferi doing?” John asked, growing nervous. “She’s not gonna hurt it, is she? I know trolls are territorial, but it’s just a little baby!” He watched for a second longer, biting his lip, and then turned towards the living room and called for Rose. “I think Feferi’s going to hurt the baby! ...Trolls aren’t cannibalistic, are they?” Kanaya groaned, almost banging her head on the window in frustration.

“I’ve never heard hearsay of any trolls glutting themselves on the flesh of their own species,” Rose said as she entered the kitchen. John pointed out the window at Feferi, who was circling Posean in a vain attempt to breach his defenses without getting hurt. “But perhaps we should intervene regardless.” 

“Okay, let’s go!” John said, rushing outside. Rose moved to follow, but Kanaya grabbed onto her shirt, hissing to get her attention. Rose looked down at her and then back outside, where John was sneaking towards Feferi and Posean, who were now both hissing at him.

“We’ve made a mistake, haven’t we?” she asked Kanaya, who growled in response. “Would you like to come? Perhaps you can help us correct this unforgivable breach of our new neighbors’ privacy.”

She picked Kanaya up and moved to the door, but before she could step outside, John called for her to bring him cheese. She sighed and fetched a brick of sharp cheddar from the refrigerator, handing it to Kanaya to hold, and they exited the kitchen, walking towards the mini-strife that had erupted in the backyard.

“Kanaya, they need to go back inside!” Feferi yelled at her, baring her fangs at John. “If they touch him, we’ll all be in big trouble!”

“I know,” Kanaya said, “but John came out here because he thought you were threatening him, so perhaps it would be best if you absconded first.”

“Oh, he did?” Feferi asked. “Oops! I guess I screwed that one up, didn’t I?”

“Yes, maybe a little.”

“Okay, but...will they leave him alone if I leave?”

Kanaya grimaced, examining the goofy grin on John’s face as he cooed at Posean. “I doubt it,” she said, sighing.

“John,” Rose said, getting his attention. She pried the cheese from Kanaya’s grip and handed it to him. “Perhaps we should make this neighborly greeting brief. Its poor birthtroll would have an anxiety attack if it found such a crowd of strange people surrounding its wiggler.”

“Yeah, hey, where is its mom anyways?” John asked, carefully extending his peace offering towards Posean. Kanaya growled, warning him against getting too close. Posean eyed the cheese, shrinking away from John’s hand, and his eyes shifted between the four of them nervously.

“Not ‘mom,’ John. Trolls are hermaphroditic, and terms such as ‘mom’ or ‘mother’ to refer to the troll from which a grub is hatched have been renounced in favor of the more gender neutral term ‘birthtroll.’”

“Wait, so...boy trolls can have babies?”

“Gender is an abstract construction forced onto trolls by human beings who prefer to think of the world in gendered terms. There is no such thing as a ‘boy troll.’”

“Wow, really?”

“Yes.”

“I didn’t know that... Oh, look, he’s eating it!” John exclaimed as Posean inched forward and began to nibble on the cheese. He giggled as Posean released a happy purr. “He’s so cute! I’m going to name him Jake.”

“Jake?” Kanaya repeated.

“What a stupid name!” Feferi agreed with a laugh, sitting on the ground and watching Posean munch on the cheese. “He is cute, though. He looks just like Eridan!”

“We shouldn’t get too comfortable...” Kanaya began, and then she froze. There was a muffled call from inside the shed, too quiet for the humans to hear. She glanced at Feferi, and judging by the look in her wide eyes, she had heard it too. “We need to get inside.” Feferi nodded and began tugging on John’s shirt, and Kanaya began to fidget in Rose’s arms, making small noises of urgency. 

“Hey, what’s up, Feferi? You still don’t like this little guy? He’s harmless!” John said, looking down at Feferi, who tugged harder.

“John, I think we are in imminent danger,” Rose said, struggling to hold onto Kanaya.

“Danger from what?”

There was a loud snarl, and they all turned to look at the shed. Tavros had emerged and was rushing over as fast as his bum leg would allow, teeth bared and hackles raised. John scrambled away from Posean, still holding onto the cheese, and Posean began crying in protest. “From that, probably,” Rose said. “That’s a fearsome pair of horns.”

Tavros put himself between them and Posean, glaring at them. The sound of Posean’s cries were heightening his distress, and despite his intimidating show of aggression, he was trembling. “Posean,” he stammered, hardly daring to take his eyes off the humans, “go inside.” Posean stayed where he was and continued to cry, and Tavros tried again, earning the same results. He was becoming agitated, too afraid of his vulnerability to carry Posean away but unable to think of any other plan of action, and his desperation was slowly pushing him towards hysteria. 

“Woah, look at that scar! This troll is badass!” John said, oblivious to Tavros’s existential terror. “He’s like a street-tough renegade troll with nothing to lose.”

“Nothing except for his child, whom we are currently threatening,” Rose responded. “Perhaps we should go inside.”

“Do you think he likes cheese?”

“No, John, I don’t.”

John frowned, and he slowly bent down and set the cheese on the ground, watching Tavros. Tavros bristled and took a step back towards Posean, but to his dismay, the wiggler rushed around him and dashed towards the cheddar. “Posean!” Tavros yelped, lunging for him, but he slipped out his grip. He watched in horror as Posean climbed onto the cheese and resumed his meal, barely a foot from John.

“He really does like cheese!” John said, laughing, and Rose sighed.

“Look, John. You’re terrifying his poor birthtroll,” she said, pointing at Tavros, who was too nervous to come any closer now that his adrenaline was wearing away. His eyes flashed between John and Posean, nearly on the verge of tears.

“Oh, jeez, you’re right,” John said, instantly apologetic. He took a few steps back, giving Posean plenty of space. Tavros eyed him for a second before approaching Posean, trying and failing to conceal his limp. John gasped. “Rose, he’s hurt! Do you think he needs help?” Tavros froze and looked at him fearfully.

“Let him go to his wiggler, John,” Rose responded. Tavros’s attention snapped to her, and then his eyes dropped to Kanaya, who nodded. He shrank down and crept the rest of the way with the demeanor of a beaten animal, stealing nervous glances at John as he crouched near Posean.

“Aw, I like this troll,” John said, crouching down and watching Tavros with a small smile. “He looks so sad...do you think he’s been abused?”

“It’s possible,” Rose said, nodding.

“Man, people suck!” John said. “There’s no reason to beat up such an awesome looking troll!”

While Rose responded and they continued their conversation, Feferi waved at Tavros, trying to get his attention. “Pst!” she hissed at him, and he finally glanced at her. “Tavros! Hi!”

“Uh...”

“Don’t worry, they won’t hurt you! I promise. We were just trying to help.”

Tavros glanced at John and then back at Feferi. “Can you, uh...make them leave, please?”

“I don’t know. We’ve tried already, but John’s pretty stupid." She laughed.

“...Where’s Eridan?”

“He went with Vriska somewhere.”

“He...did?”

“Yes! I think they’re going to start up a kismesissitude!” Feferi responded with excitement. 

“They, uh...they what?” Tavros asked with dismay, turning away from John for the first time and looking at her fully. She paused, confused by his negative reaction.

“Is that bad? He said you said you were okay with it.”

“I, uh, guess I did, but...” Tavros said, and then he groaned. “I was only trying to convince him to come, since he’s always so concerned about finding a kismesis, and I knew he would be more interested in taking risks if there were two trolls that could potentially be concupiscent with him, instead of just one...but I didn’t actually think that Vriska would be at all interested in him.”

“Oh...” Feferi said, shooting a glance up at Kanaya, who was rubbing her temples in exasperation. “Well...it looks like we all screwed up, didn’t we! Things are getting pretty complicated.”

“Yes, it would seem that way,” Kanaya said.

“Um, maybe we could talk about this, uh, stressful and probably catastrophic development another time, instead of right now, with these two humans present, because they’re honestly making me pretty nervous, and, uh...I’m not feeling very receptive to, um, unwelcome information..." 

“That’s okay!” Feferi said. “Would it be alright if I came to visit you later?”

“Uh...yeah, that sounds...fine...”

“Great! Tavros, I think we should be friends,” she said, smiling.

“I, uh...don’t even know your name.”

“Oh, how stupid of me! I’m Feferi. And that’s Kanaya!” she said, pointing up Kanaya.

“Oh, so you’re Feferi. Hi,” Tavros said. He glanced up at Kanaya, and his eyes shifted to Rose’s face. He shrank back.

“Don’t worry about her! That’s Rose. She’s a good person, and she’s smart,” Feferi explained. “She knows better than to bother you. Except that she’s been giving your wiggler cheese.”

“She has?” Tavros asked in alarm, beginning to panic again.

“No, it’s okay! She would never do anything to hurt him,” Feferi said.

“Although we do admit that her actions were distasteful, and we apologize on her behalf,” Kanaya said.

“Jeez, you’re almost as bad as Eridan!” Feferi said, laughing. “You need to calm down, Mr. Jumpy McNervoustroll.”

“Um, no, Eridan’s much worse than I am...and I do know your humans probably won’t hurt him, and that’s, um, not really the reason I’m nervous, so, uh, sorry, I guess, for...being nervous...and he does like cheese, so I guess, theoretically, it’s nice of her, and I guess maybe I’m being unfair,” Tavros said, trying to relax. “But, uh...if Eridan found out, he’d be really mad.”

“You’re right,” Feferi said, frowning. “Maybe we should keep it a secret.”

“Yes, I think that would probably be best, but, uh...I don’t like that he’s not here, and that we don’t know where he is, because if he were to show up right now—“

“WHAT THE SWEET BLEEDIN’ FUCK IS THIS?”

“Oh shit.”

Eridan charged across the yard, roaring obscenities and barreling between the humans. Vriska followed close behind, only slightly less furious, shouting at him and taking up post in front John. There were a couple of seconds of shock and confusion while Eridan and Vriska snarled at each other, during which Rose and John both scrambled back a few yards and Posean hopped into Tavros’s arms, and by the time they paused to catch their breath, everyone was gaping at them.

“Hey, Rose, is that Feferi’s troll boyfriend?”

“Yes, I believe it is.”

“Eridan! What are you doing?” Feferi asked, putting herself between him and Vriska.

“What’s it look like I’m doin’, Fef? I’m protectin’ what’s mine!” he snarled, glaring at Vriska. “I shoulda known this was a trick. You lured me away with your coy bullshit so your humans could seduce my family with their filthy human food! This was all some pathetic attempt to convince Tav into joining your human slave party!”

“I’m flattered you think I’m so despicable, but I don’t know what this is about any more than you do,” Vriska responded.

“Woah, he’s not getting along with Vriska very well...should we do something?” John asked.

“John, you should never intervene in a troll fight. They can get quite nasty,” Rose responded.

“Tav!” Eridan barked over his shoulder. “What the hell, I thought we had an agreement about the human thing. How could you betray me like this?”

“I, uh—“

“Can it, fuckass! He’s his own person and he can do what he wants!” Vriska interrupted.

“Not with my wiggler, he can’t!”

“How is it your wiggler when you can’t even touch it without sustaining personal injury?”

“It’s got my blood!”

“That don’t mean shit!”

“Like hell it don’t!”

“Are you sure we shouldn’t do something, Rose? It looks like they’re getting pretty mad...”

“And if your fuckin’ human even tries to touch any of us, I’m gonna kill him!”

“Don’t fool yourself! I’d have you gutted long before you got the chance.”

Eridan snarled and moved to lunge at her, but Feferi blocked him from the front and Tavros threw his arms around him from behind. Posean, who had jumped from Tavros’s lap just in time, squirmed away towards Rose, who took a few steps back and murmured something to Kanaya. She set her down, and Kanaya crawled towards him, humming gently. “John, I think what we are witnessing is a very complicated romantic triangle—or quadrangle, as the case may be—involving what may be several of the multiple forms of courtship involved in troll reproduction," Rose said, watching Kanaya. "It would be best if we stayed out of it, unless the situation deteriorates to the point of physical violence.”

“If you say so...” John said, eyeing Eridan.

Meanwhile, Eridan was thrashing against Tavros, still glaring at Vriska and spitting curses. “Goddamn it, Tav, you’re supposed’a be on my side!”

“Eridan, you can’t hurt the humans!” Tavros said, a note of desperation edging his voice. “It’s not a good thing to do ever, and it would definitely end badly, with probably someone not human being dead. And, uh, also, you shouldn’t hurt Vriska, either. We should just go.”

“Oh, now you wanna go? But you were just havin’ a grand ol’ time two fuckin’ seconds ago, why wouldn’t you wanna stay and laugh it up with your new human chums?”

“Eridan, he was just out here protecting your wiggler!” Feferi said. “Quit being such a jerk!”

“Like I’m supposed’a believe that load of garbage!” he snapped. “He was just sittin’ there watchin’ the little brat eat that damn cheese! Protectin’ him, my ass...”

“Eridan, please,” Tavros begged, “he wouldn’t leave, and, uh, I couldn’t carry him without becoming really vulnerable, because of my leg...”

“Why the hell was he out here in the first place, Tav?” Eridan demanded, turning to glare at him. “What the hell were you doin’, havin’ a picnic in the middle of the fuckin’ yard?”

“I, uh...” Tavros said, flushing in shame, “after you left, I fell asleep, and, uh...”

“Oh, so this was just pure neglect, is that what you’re sayin’? Damn it, Tav, I thought I could trust you, but I guess you aren’t as fit as I thought to be raisin’ my wiggler!”

“No, Eridan, don’t say that...”

“Hey, asshole, you’re not fit to raise the wiggler either, so give the guy a break!” Vriska said. “Everyone makes mistakes. Look at him, he feels terrible about it!” True to her word, Tavros did look miserable, and after the constant stress of the last half hour, he seemed close to an emotional breakdown.

Eridan growled and turned back to Vriska, hatred burning in his eyes. “You connivin’, homewreckin’ bitch!” he shouted at her, struggling against Tavros harder. “This is all your fault! You coulda just left it well enough alone, but you just had to dig your claws into my matesprit and drag us out here to torment us with your fuckin’ schemes and your fuckin’ humans and your fuckin’—“

“Eridan, please, just stop,” Tavros moaned, beginning to lose energy.

“Listen to him, Eridan!” Feferi pleaded. “You’ve got everything all wrong. Talk with us!”

“Yeah, Eridan, talk with us!” Vriska taunted. “Before you lose both your redrom interests to your hot temper!”

“Vriska—“

“Get off, Tav! I don’t need you to do any sort’a auspisticizing between us. How many fuckin’ times do I have to tell you to stay outta my black quadrants? You too, Fef! This is between her and me, and we gotta score to settle!”

“Not now, Eridan, please—“

“Eridan,” Kanaya said, approaching him cautiously. She was cradling Posean in her arms, and he was purring, apparently well taken with her.

“Damn it, do I look like I need another troll to get in on this business’a me and her gettin’ even?”

“Yes, you do,” she answered. “My name in Kanaya. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Wish I could say the same,” he said. Tavros looked at her from over Eridan’s shoulder, glancing between her and Posean, bewildered.

“Hey, fussyfangs, are you going ashen for us?” Vriska asked.

“I’m not sure I have much of a choice now,” she said, sighing. “I can’t condone a strife battle in the yard with a wiggler and two humans present.” 

“What, so now you’re steppin’ up for a shot as our auspistice?” Eridan asked. “None’a you bastards thought to prevent our kismesissitude, so why all the interest in killin’ it now?”

Tavros groaned. “So you are kismesisses now?”

“What the hell did you think we wandered off to do? We weren’t gettin’ our hair did,” Eridan responded.

“Don’t worry, Tavros,” Vriska said with a cocky smirk. “I have everything under control.”

“Under control my ass!” Eridan said, and Tavros also threw her a skeptical look.

“Vriska, this situation is hardly ‘under control,’ and everyone here knows it,” Kanaya said. “If you two want to continue your kismesissitude unmolested, I won’t get involved; however, we can’t allow this situation to proceed the way it is, so if you insist on provoking each other further, I’m afraid we’ll have to stop you.”

“Listen to her,” Feferi said, shooting Eridan a hard look. He scowled, but after a brief internal battle, he relaxed. Tavros let him go and fell back on his ass, where he stayed to recover.

“Rose, what’s going on?” John asked.

“I’m not sure,” Rose responded, “but it seems as though bloodshed has been avoided. For now, at least.”

“That’s a relief!” 

“Yes, it is.”

“Okay, fine,” Eridan said, scowling between Vriska and Kanaya, “we won’t tear each other to pieces or anythin’ like that. Or attack the humans, I guess. So why don’t you just give us the wiggler and we can pretend this god awful exchange never happened.”

“I think,” Kanaya began, “that while we have your attention, and while everyone involved in this confusing circle of dysfunctional romance is present, we should clarify a few things and lay a few ground rules.”

“Do we really gotta do that now?” Eridan asked. “Your humans are still here.”

“When would you prefer to do it?” she asked.

“Later.”

“Okay,” Kanaya said, becoming irritated. “Then later, we will all come by the shed, and we’ll uncover the secret nature of all these ridiculous relationships.”

“Fine,” Eridan said. “Now give us the wiggler back.”

She frowned and walked past Eridan to deposit Posean into Tavros arms. Before returning to Rose, she picked up what remained of the cheese and shoved it into Eridan’s hands. “Perhaps you should start making peace with your own child,” she said. “Vriska, Feferi, please go back inside.”

“Whatever you say, fussyfangs,” Vriska said, turning to saunter back through the kitchen troll flap.

“Eridan, you and I are going to have a talk when all this gets figured out!” Feferi said, giving him a stern look before turning to follow. His face fell.

“It looks as though everything’s been resolved,” Rose commented. “We have no reason to stay out here any longer.”

“Well, that was fun!” John said, laughing as he followed her out of the yard. “Do you think those other trolls are going to move out of the shed now?”

“I’m not sure. It’s hard to say,” Rose said. “Violence and hatred have a myriad of connotations in troll romance.”

“Well, I hope they stay.”

“Me too,” Rose replied, smiling as she closed the kitchen door behind her.


	11. Chapter 11

“I don’t understand why you’re mad at me,” Eridan said, leaning against the outside of the bin.  Tavros had refused to allow him entry.  “If anythin’, I should be mad at _you_.”

“If you want to be mad at me, I probably can’t stop you, so I guess that’s your right,” Tavros answered.

“Good, ‘cause I am.”  He waited for Tavros to answer, but after a couple seconds passed and nothing was said, he huffed.  “What’re you even mad about?”

“Maybe I’m mad because you started up a kismesissitude with Vriska right after you were with me, or maybe because you distracted me from watching Posean and then blamed me for letting him wander around, or also maybe because you’re completely awful...”

“Okay, for the record, that last one was entirely subjective and you got no right bein’ mad at me about that,” Eridan said.  “And also for the record, you told me I could start somethin’ up with Vriska, so you can’t start holdin’ that against me either.”

“I didn’t think she’d actually go for it...”

“How is it _my_ fault you gave me the go to do somethin’ you didn’t actually want me to do?”

“...It’s not, but I guess I’m still sort of upset about it anyways.”

Eridan growled and stood up, looking over the rim of the bin at Tavros, who was lying curled around Posean.  Tavros glanced up at him.  “Well, you know what, Tav?  I got real reasons to be mad at you.  You know how it felt to come back to that sorta scene?  You scared me shitless, sittin’ right there in front of those humans like that.”

“I was scared, too,” Tavros said.  “And...maybe if you weren’t flirting with my girlfriend, you could’ve been there to help, but you weren’t.”

“ _Your_ girlfriend?” Eridan repeated with indignation.  “She’s more _my_ girlfriend than yours now.  You two don’t even have a real matespritship yet.”

“Uh, yeah, because _you_ won’t let me stop being your matesprit, or else you’ll take away my wiggler, who, uh, by the way, is the only thing I really care about, even though he keeps me basically enslaved to you,” Tavros said.

“It’s just until I get Feferi to love me, Tav, we’ve fuckin’ talked about this."

“Okay, but—“ Tavros said, sitting up abruptly and turning towards Eridan.  “...Okay.  But Feferi isn’t going to love you.”

“You’d better watch what you’re sayin’,” Eridan said.  “I know Sekret’s got you actin’ all assertive and bitchy and whatnot, but you’d better watch the personal attacks.”

“No, Eridan,” Tavros said.  “She’s not going to love you—I’m almost completely sure of it—and if she doesn’t, you’re not going to let me be matesprits with Vriska, even though our relationship is pretty much the most awful thing that could have happened between us, and even though I’m a lot more red for Vriska than I am for you...and I’m tired of it.”

“So, what?” Eridan asked, examining his face.  “What’re you tryin’ to say?”

“What I’m trying to say is...I guess I’m breaking up with you, is what I’m trying to say.  But—!” Tavros said, covering Eridan’s mouth as it opened in outrage.  “But I’m still truly grateful for what you’ve done for me, and I still respect you as my wigglerdaddy, or whatever you called it, so I’m still willing to be your, uh, moirail, if that’s an option that’s still possible for me to take.”

He slowly let his hand slip from Eridan’s mouth, allowing him to speak.  Eridan looked at him hard for a second before saying, “So never again.  No more matespritship.”

“Yes.”

“What if you and Sekret don’t work out?  If you call this off now, you can’t come runnin’ back to me.”

“Even if we don’t work out, I don’t want to be your matesprit anymore.  Ever.  It’s basically exhausting and thankless, and I don’t like doing it.”

Eridan pouted.  “Not even a little bit?”

“Well...maybe, I guess, a little bit.”

“What if Fef and I don’t work out, and for some reason me and Sekret call off our kismesissitude?  What then?”

“Well, if we’re moirails, hopefully it still works out for us, and we won’t have to take any desperate measures.”

“Desperate measures like what?”

“I, uh, don’t want to talk about it, because I don’t want this to be a fight, or anything that might lead to a permanent rift between us, but, uh...I’m not going to let you take Posean away from me, so I’ll do what I can to prevent that if you push me to it, even if I have to do something that makes me really uncomfortable.”

“Something like what?”

They both stared at each other, conducting a brief battle of wills.  Tavros said, “Eridan, if you push me to it, which is something I really hope you don’t do, Posean and I are going to go with Vriska to live with her humans.”

“You _what_?” Eridan squawked, horrified.  “No!  Fuck no, Tav, I can’t let you do that!”

“I know, Eridan, so, uh, don’t make me.  Be my moirail, Eridan, okay?  It would definitely be better for everyone involved, especially Posean, and, uh, me, if we were moirails, and if we stayed together here, as moirails, while we conducted our other relationships somewhere else.”

Eridan glared at him, growling, but his expression slowly fell into a pout.  “But what if Fef doesn’t love me, Tav?  Can we still...moirails with benefits?”

“No, Eridan,” Tavros groaned.

“There’s no other way?”

“No.”

“This is the only way?”

“Yes.”

“...Fine,” Eridan consented.  “We can be moirails.  No matter what.  Even if everything falls to shit.”

Tavros sighed with relief.  “Thanks.”

“Can I come in now?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I guess so.”

Eridan hoisted himself into the bin and plopped down next to Tavros, and they both fell silent, watching Posean sleep.  Eridan glanced at Tavros and said, “Is cuddlin’ off limit too now?  Is there a no touchin’ rule in place?”

“Uh, no, I think cuddling is, uh, probably an okay thing for moirails to do, as long as it’s the platonic sort,” Tavros responded after a brief pause.

“Good.  C’mere, cuddle with me,” Eridan said, grabbing Tavros’s horns and yanking him down next to Posean.  “Damn, I’m tired.”

Tavros sighed and shifted to a more comfortable position, and Eridan moved to accommodate him.  “Then I guess it’s time to go to sleep?”

“Yeah, that’s what that means.  G’night.”

“...Goodnight, Eridan.”


	12. Chapter 12

Vriska noticed Eridan circling the house early in the day, but she took her time confronting him, smirking out the window while he watched her eat breakfast and then, later, lunch.  Finally, she snuck out the troll flap and allowed him to lead her to a secluded niche behind the garbage cans.

“You backstabbin’ tramp,” he said, glaring at her.  “You cost me everything with that stunt you pulled!”

“If blaming me for your incompetence makes you feel better, then go ahead,” she replied.

“He won’t take me back now.  Even if things with me and Fef don’t work out, he’s called it quits with me, and it’s your fuckin’ fault, you spiteful floozy.”

“Wait, he broke up with you?” Vriska asked.  “What about Posean?”

“Like it fuckin’ matters to you what happens to you what happens to _my_ wiggler."

“Of course it does,” she said, rolling her eyes.  “He won’t stay if you take away the wiggler.”

“If you must know,” Eridan said, grinding his teeth, “he says he’s goin’ to take him and join your _humans_ if I try to get away.  He’s threatening to kidnap my own goddamn offspring and turn him into a fuckin’ housetroll if I don’t bow to his will.”

Vriska’s eyebrows flew up.  “He is?” she asked.  When he didn’t respond, she laughed.  “Looks like pupa’s grown a pair!  About damn time.”

“You’re gonna pay for this.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure I will,” she said, smirking.  She circled around him, running a finger along his jaw as she purred, “But you’ll have to wait until later.  There’s a crippled stray in the shed that needs me to clean up after his break up.”

“You—“ Eridan began, but she cut him off with a quick turn of her claw and a cackle.  He watched her walk away, pressing his fingers against the scratch as blood began to bead on his skin.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter, but I may consider a sequel. If I do a sequel, new characters would be introduced, and current ships may sink or swim. But I wanna gauge interest first.  
> So...who would be interested in a sequel?

“So it’s decided,” Kanaya announced, looking around the circle.  She, Feferi, and Vriska had packed themselves into the shed to discuss the future of their relationships with Eridan and Tavros.  It had been an irritating hour since they began their meeting, but they had finally reached an agreement on most of the issues presented.  “Eridan and Tavros shall continue to conduct their moirallegiance as their core relationship until the wiggler reaches an age at which it can care for itself.  Eridan will allow Tavros to pursue a matespritship with Vriska while he also undertakes a kismesissitude with her, and Vriska will make an honest effort not to destroy everything she touches.  Feferi and Eridan will continue as they were.  I will be present for mediation if necessary.  Everyone here is henceforth responsible for the welfare of the wiggler should it get away from Tavros at an inopportune time, and the domestic among us will attempt to minimize his contact with the humans, although it seems to have already taken an unfortunate liking to Rose, for which I again apologize.  The feral trolls are not allowed in the house, and it would be preferable for courtship to take place outside of the shed as well.”

“When did that become a thing?” Vriska asked.

“I added it in because I thought it sounded like a good idea.”

“You can’t just amend the rules whenever you feel like it!”

“Eridan, Tavros, how do you feel about it?”

“Um, it could be a good idea,” Tavros agreed.

“Tavros, where do you plan on going with your bad leg?” Vriska asked.  “If you can’t stay here and we can’t go into the house, we can’t do _anything_.”

“Oh, yeah...”

“I like this idea,” Eridan said.

“Butt out, Ampora!”

“Okay, let’s revise,” Kanaya interrupted, sighing.  “Redrom interests are allowed into the shed.  Vriska and Eridan, you’ll need to take your obnoxious black flirtations elsewhere.”

“I like this idea better,” Tavros said, nodding.

“So do I!” Feferi said, laughing.  “You know it’s bad when Kanaya starts calling you obnoxious!”

“Fiiiiiiiine,” Vriska said.  “What do I care?  I need to get out more often anyways.”

“So we have an agreement?” Kanaya asked, glancing around the circle.  Everyone nodded with varying levels of enthusiasm.  “Good.  Hopefully, we can become a large, only slightly dysfunctional family with few hard feelings between us.”

“Yes!” Feferi agreed.  Eridan, Vriska, and Tavros seemed less excited, but they didn’t protest.  “Now, if you don’t mind, I want to have a word with Eridan!”  She looked at him, and he grimaced, standing to follow her out of the shed.

It was dark outside, and the sky was dotted with stars.  Feferi turned to Eridan, but before she could say anything, he held up his hand.  “Fef, I know what you must be thinkin’, after that scene from yesterday, and honest to god I swear I’m sorry for that.  It was unconscionable’a me to act like that in front’a you, and...towards your humans, I guess.  I don’t like humans, but you do, and I shoulda controlled myself better.  I was just protectin’ my wiggler, okay?”

She looked at him, surprised, and then she smiled.  “I didn’t expect you to apologize!”

“What sorta asshole do you take me for?” he said, and she laughed.

“Sorry!  You’re always so defensive of your hate for humans, what was I supposed to expect?”

He frowned and looked away, mumbling, “Well, I might’a got some advice from Tav on how to patch this up with you, ‘cause, well, I think I might like you better’n I hate humans anyways.”

Her eyebrows flew up.  “Eridan, that’s so cute!”

“Is it?” he asked, glancing at her.

“Yes!  That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said!  Why don’t you say sweet things more often, instead of just prattling on about how hard your life is and how awful humans are?  You’re adorable!”

“Well...” he said, blushing.  “If you say so.”

She laughed, and, grabbing his hand, she pulled him away from the shed.  “Let’s go to the tire swing!”

“Why?”

“To talk, silly!  I’m sure we both have some serious feelings we need to get out in the open, _am I right_?”

She grinned at him over her shoulder, and he smiled back.  “Yeah, you could say that again.”


End file.
